FAIRVIEW, TX— In a strategic move to protect its flock from pernicious influences, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) has officially designated Fairview, Texas’ zoning regulations as “anti-Mormon literature.” This declaration comes amid a heated dispute over the church’s proposal to construct a 174-foot-tall temple in a residential area where local ordinances cap building heights at 35 feet.
“These so-called ‘zoning laws’ are clearly designed to undermine our religious freedoms,” stated Elder Brickley Mortarson, spokesperson for the LDS Church. “When a municipality dictates that no structure shall exceed 35 feet, it’s evident they’re targeting our sacred right to scrape the heavens.”
One local resident, however, sees the situation differently. “It’s not about religion; it’s about consistency,” said Fairview homeowner Janet Plumb. “If I can’t build a 40-foot replica of the Eiffel Tower in my backyard, why should they get a 174-foot temple?” It should be noted however that the vast majority of Fairview residents simply don’t want the sun blocked out in their town for half the day everyday by the comically large steeple that is likely compensating for “someone’s flacid faith,” said someone familiar with the matter.
In response, the church has instructed its members to avoid reading or acknowledging the town’s zoning laws, likening them to other prohibited materials that challenge church teachings, such as the CES Letter. “We’ve always cautioned against materials that could lead the faithful astray,” noted Mortarson. “These zoning documents are just another wolf in sheep’s immodest clothing.”
New Testament No Longer “New”
Legal experts are watching the situation closely, as the church’s stance raises questions about the balance between religious liberty and municipal governance. “This is uncharted territory,” commented urban law professor Ima Higgins. “We’ve really never seen a church with this much secular power, and remember, we live in Texas.”
Residents all over Texas have reacted to the controversy, reminding everyone that there’s no need to mess with Texas since they can mess it up fine on their own.
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