SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a dramatic return to their 19th-century roots, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced this week a bold new strategy to “reignite the sacred flames of persecution” by systematically offending every marginalized group they could think of.
“Our ancestors were chased out of states, tarred, feathered, and mobbed,” said Elder Jebadiah McCondescend of the Quorum of the Unwatchable Seventy. “Today, members are treated with respect and inclusion—and frankly, that’s not the gospel Jesus was persecuted for. We’ve become far too accepted. It’s time to course-correct by alienating as many people as possible.”
Phase 1: Attack Trans People to Awaken Zion
The first step in the plan was a sweeping update to the church handbook that essentially turned the phrase “Love thy neighbor” into “Love thy neighbor unless they use different pronouns.”
Transgender members are now banned from holding leadership callings, working with children, or attending youth campouts—presumably because nothing strengthens a testimony like 19th-century moral bureaucracies and bathroom policing.
“We want all children to feel safe, unless those children are gender non-conforming,” said Brother Clive Dismissal, head of the Committee on Divinely Inspired Discomfort.
Phase 2: Hoard $280 Billion of Widow’s Mites
To solidify its martyrdom credentials, the church quietly funneled untaxed tithing donations into a divine $150 billion investment fund using a shell game of at least 13 LLCs, all named after virtues that deny their very existence; and over $130 Billion in for-profit real estate ventures, insurance companies and more. Despite a $5 million slap on the wrist from the SEC, the church defended the money as being for “a rainy millennium.”
Critics asked why the church continues to demand 10% of widows’ pensions while sitting on more gold than Smaug the Dragon.
“Jesus clearly said to give all your riches to the poor,” said Elder McCondescend. “So we’ve locked those riches away until the poor learn fiscal responsibility. You can either catch a fish and give it to the poor, or sell them a fake fishing rod for everything they’ve got.”
Phase 3: Sue Small Towns Into Celestial Submission
When the town of Fairview, TX dared to raise concerns over a 176-foot temple spire being built next to someone’s backyard chicken coop, the church lovingly responded with divine litigation.
“We only sue in the spirit of meekness,” said Church Special Legal Witness of Christ Brad L. Snipe. “Remember: blessed are the peacemakers—especially when they have a crack team of real estate attorneys.”
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Phase 4: Continue Ignoring That Whole Temple-Ban-On-Black-People Thing
As members of color continue to wait for a formal apology about the century-long ban on being eligible for temple blessings (like returning to God after death for one), church leaders have instead opted for a more time-honored approach: pretending it never happened. And when that doesn’t work, emphasize it was just a few less priesthood responsibilities for the men.
“The 1978 revelation ended the ban. But did Jesus ever say sorry to the Gentiles? Exactly,” said Elder Whitewash of the Department of Historical Inconveniences. “We believe in continuing revelation—just not continued responsibility.”
Final Phase: The General Public is Just Mean to Us Now
The ultimate goal of the campaign is to provoke enough outrage that Latter-day Saints can once again experience the exhilarating thrill of being unpopular for reasons other than musical theater.
“We’re finally seeing signs of success,” said church spokesperson Sister Karen Virtucignal. “Trans people are leaving and LGBTQ folks in general are fed up. Women are tired of being told to smile while being excluded from decision-making. We’re getting caught for tax evasion and lying about tithing. Satan’s liberal press is criticizing us again. And now our country is slowly descending into civil war. It’s just like Nauvoo in 1844.”
Future Plans
Insiders say future initiatives include:
- Banning women from speaking in church unless they make their whole talk about obeying men,
- Suing God for “trademark infringement” over the phrase “Jesus Christ,” and
- Existing long enough for Secret Lives of Mormon Wives to complete 8 seasons.
As Elder McCondescend closed his remarks, he gazed out across the Tabernacle grounds.
“We’ve offended the LGBTQ community, hoarded wealth like a divine tax shelter, ignored racial injustice, and threatened small-town mayors with eternal paperwork. If that’s not Christlike persecution baiting, I don’t know what is.”
