SALT LAKE CITY—In a shocking end to the 2025 Holy Week Championship, the LDS Church has once again fallen short of victory, losing to the Catholic Church in a landslide media blowout following the Pope’s dramatic death in the final seconds of Easter Sunday.
“We had momentum going into Tuesday,” said Elder Chadwick Monson, head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ new “Hey We’re Christian Too! For Real This Time!” outreach campaign. “Our Come, Follow Me podcast had a 20% uptick in listens (from one additional listen, how many listens did they get in total? Answer at the bottom.), and Deseret Book moved three whole copies of Jesus Was in America, Probably. We really thought this was our year.”
Unfortunately for the LDS Church, Pope Francis, in a move many are calling “divinely clutch,” passed away peacefully during the Easter Vigil, cementing the Catholic Church’s dominance in Holy Week PR for the 2,025th consecutive year.
“Look, we respect the game,” said Monson, pausing to remove his BYU Cougars visor. “But pulling a papal martyrdom play on Easter? That’s like Tom Brady coming out of retirement to throw a deflated football at the angel Moroni expecting him to actually exist. It took balls” (He said, still referring to sports).
Bitter Agrument Continues Over Who Will Do Pope’s Ordinances.
According to experts, the LDS Church has struggled to break into the “Big Leagues” of Holy Week for decades, often misfiring with seasonal tactics like General Conference falling a week early or using Utah fern branches in lieu of traditional palm branches to fan their priesthood holders whenever they get a little warm.
“They tried pushing He Is Risen But Also He’s Going to Missouri, but it just didn’t land,” said religious media analyst Maria Santos. “Then the Catholics came in with Stations of the Cross, midnight masses, incense, Gregorian chanting, and boom—the Pope flatlines at 11:59 p.m. Rome time. Game over.”
Meanwhile, Vatican spokespeople deny any allegations of intentional theatrics. “His Holiness did not die to ‘own the Mormons,’” said Cardinal Vincenzo Russo. “Though, if we’re being honest, it was pretty sick timing.”
*Answer: Hello mathematicians! They had a 20% increase with 1 listen. Since 1 is 20% of 5, they now have a total of 6 listens if their listens increased by 20% with a single listen. If you got this answer correct, you probably know that you received a 11.11% raise when you stopped paying tithing.
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