PROVO, UT — In a stunning announcement this week, BYU researchers and Church historians revealed what they are calling “a proud moment for Mormon innovation”: the reclassification of electro-shock therapy as an original Latter-day Saint invention, pioneered not by 20th-century Italian psychiatrists, but by the angel Moroni himself, in what is now being dubbed “the Hill Cumorah Conditioning Protocol.”
According to Church educational materials quietly updated this week, the well-known story of Joseph Smith being visited by the angel Moroni and denied access to the golden plates for four consecutive years was not simply a spiritual waiting period, but an early and effective example of divine aversion therapy.
“Each year, young Joseph reached for the plates,” said BYU neuroscience professor Dr. Glendon R. Jaggley. “And each year, ZAP!—a well-timed blast of celestial electricity coursed through his fingertips. By year four, the conditioning had taken root. He learned not to crave worldly treasure. Or at least not without plenty of shell companies.”
The Church released a new illustrated children’s book on the topic titled “Don’t Be Greedy, Like 1823 Joseph”, which features Moroni holding a small Nephite taser and a tearful Joseph Smith learning patience through positive punishment. The book includes scratch-and-sniff pages that smell like burnt copper and sizzling repentance.
Historians quickly began combing through other events in early Mormonism for signs of similar divine electrical interventions. “It explains so much,” said Church educator Sister Kimberly Teasdale. “For example, every time Joseph tried to sell the rights of the Book of Mormon, ZAP! The Lord works in mysterious, patent-pending ways.”
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Though critics argue that electro-shock therapy is a deeply harmful and outdated form of psychiatric treatment—with a dark history of being used on LGBTQ youth, particularly in Utah—Church PR officials are attempting to put a positive spin on the revelation.
“Sure, electro-shock therapy has a bit of a reputation problem,” said Church spokesman Elder Trent Bott. “But when you think about it, who among us hasn’t been spiritually shocked into submission by a divine being wielding the power of the priesthood and several kilovolts?”
Despite its controversial nature, Church officials are reportedly petitioning the American Psychiatric Association to rename the treatment “Moronipuncture.”
Meanwhile, BYU’s new mental health initiative, “Currents of Righteousness,” has been quietly shelved after students misunderstood the program’s motto: “Feel the Power of Spirit.”
The Church has already begun construction on a new Moroni-themed museum in Salt Lake City. Among the exhibits: a pair of scorched gloves from 1826, Joseph’s copper grounding rod, and a replica of the first golden plate charger (USB-N for Nephite).
The museum will also feature a “Touch the Plates” interactive display. Parents are advised to keep small children at least five feet back.
