Although the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints publicly recommends vaccines, they know a lack of measles outbreaks will be hard to live down at the upcoming ChristCon25.
UTAH — After months of watching other high-control Christian groups across the country bask in the natural consequences of vaccine hesitancy, LDS leaders in Salt Lake City are reportedly “greatly relieved” that measles has finally made its long-awaited debut in Utah.
“We’d been feeling a little left out,” admitted Elder Preston L. Farnsworth, spokesperson for the Church’s Health and Safety Outreach Committee. “When we saw that fundamentalist churches in Texas and homeschool co-ops in Florida were getting national coverage for their anti-vax outbreaks, we began to worry that Latter-day Saints were being perceived as too… sciencey.”
The first confirmed measles case in Utah was announced this week, prompting celebration from conservative corners of the faith. According to anonymous insiders, several General Authorities quietly high-fived in the tunnels beneath Temple Square, relieved that Mormonism was still “weird enough” to be lumped in with the likes of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and fringe Evangelical groups.
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“Our whole brand hinges on appearing both wholesome and suspiciously detached from scientific consensus,” explained Farnsworth. “A good old-fashioned measles outbreak proves our members are still faithfully navigating that middle path between trust in modern medicine and a strong belief in essential oils.”
LDS bloggers and influencers immediately seized the opportunity, with titles like “5 Faith-Promoting Reasons Measles is a Blessing in Disguise” and “It’s Just a Rash: The Long Term Effects Are Just God’s Judgement” trending in Deseret-themed Facebook groups.
Primary leaders across the Wasatch Front are frantically crocheting “CTR” face masks and planning a special lesson on “Choosing the Rash.”
