ARCADIA, CA — Local father and devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Brad Nelson, 47, announced Sunday that he was officially disowning his 16-year-old son, Tyler, as part of a bold new strategy to bring him closer to God.
“I love Tyler too much to let him live in my home,” explained Nelson, his voice breaking with emotion. “He’s been questioning the teachings of the church, and the only way I know to help him find his way back is to kick him out onto the streets with nothing but a prayer and a passive-aggressive farewell note.”
According to family sources, Tyler’s descent into apostasy began when he made the grave mistake of expressing doubt over Joseph Smith’s golden plates, however, his ultimate betrayal came last week when he wasn’t taking the sacrament, and that’s when his dad decided to show how much he loves his son by making it about himself.
“The moment I saw that he was so far gone to even partake of the sacrament, I couldn’t understand how he could do this to me, and the only way to show him true love was to cut him off entirely,” Nelson said solemnly.
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Despite his best efforts to bring his son back into the fold with this firm display of Christlike charity, Nelson admitted that Tyler’s reaction was not quite what he had hoped for. “He just shrugged, grabbed his Xbox, and said, ‘Cool, I’ll go live with Mom then.’”
Nelson’s wife, Jennifer, who left the church five years ago after developing the dangerous habit of thinking critically, confirmed that Tyler would be staying with her. “It’s kind of unfortunate but not the worst case scenario,” she said, shaking her head. “Brad really believes that shunning our son will somehow inspire him to come running back into the fold. It’s like spiritually waterboarding your child and expecting them to thank you for the hydration.”
Local ward members, however, praised Nelson for his unwavering commitment to his son’s eternal salvation. “Tough love is the greatest love,” said Bishop Carl Jenkins. “I just tell Brother Nelson to stay strong and avoid having any contact with his son, he’s got to protect himself at this point.”
Meanwhile, Tyler seems to be adjusting well to life outside the LDS bubble. “Nobody’s looking for drugs in my underwear drawer all the time, it’s weird but great.”
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