SOUTH JORDAN, UT — Local Latter-day Saint man and unlicensed dinner-party comedian Nathaniel “Nate-Dawg” Bensen was reportedly “surprised and a little concerned” to learn that the discomfort, awkward silences, and sudden desire for fresh air displayed by his friends during his many “light-hearted zingers” might not, in fact, be signs of “oversensitivity,” but rather signs of secondhand embarrassment (aka “cringe”) that slipped by his powers of discernment.
“I just don’t get it,” said Bensen, adjusting his CTR ring and then slapping himself on the knee at his own retelling of a joke involving his wife’s driving. “I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking, ya know? My jokes are truth bombs. That’s why people go silent—they’re just reflecting on the deep truths I’ve just dropped, unless they’ve decided to get upset.”
Friends, however, offered a different interpretation.
“Yeah, Nate thinks we’re all ‘melty little snowflakes’ who can’t handle his ‘edgy takes,’” said longtime friend Jake Morrison, who once invited Bensen to a party and spent the whole night apologizing to him for not laughing enough at his jokes. “But honestly, it’s not that we’re offended. We’re just trying to figure out what exactly he thinks he’s saying.”
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His targets are wide-ranging: single women over 30 (“God’s forgotten treasure chests”), poor people (“Gentrification is a good thing and shouldn’t just be for the ‘gay neighborhoods’”), and his recently ex-Mormon friend Brad (“I’m saving him from hell one joke at a time”).
“He once told me I’d find a husband faster if I didn’t act so ‘intellectually aggressive,’” said friend-on-probation Emily Sorensen, “I didn’t know it was even a joke until he smiled and said, ‘That was just a quip, Em! You know I love powerful women! JK Rowling Forevs!’”
Despite frequent group texts gently suggesting that he “cool it with the bits,” and “maybe less masturbatory hand-gestures per hour,” and a rotating door of friends quietly phasing him out, Bensen remains undeterred. “People are just too sensitive now,” he said, “I’m like the Seinfeld of our ward. Except cleaner.” Everyone, except perhaps Nate-Dawg himself, saw what he was doing there.
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