REXBURG, ID—Local LDS man Trevor Jensen, 23, has once again sworn off masturbation forever. Sources close to Jensen confirm this is at least the ninth time he has made such a commitment, but according to him, this time is different.
“Look, I know I’ve said this before, but the Spirit really spoke to me this time,” said Jensen, who has been battling his mortal urges with the determination of a Book of Mormon war captain. “I felt this overwhelming confirmation in my heart—and a little bit of nausea in my gut—that this time, I’m actually done.”
Jensen, a lifelong member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has spent years attempting to overcome what he describes as “his greatest trial,” a completely natural biological function that nearly 100% of people engage in but which he has been told makes him unworthy to pass the sacrament, enter the temple, and possibly even receive a celestial mansion in the next life.
Church leaders have long warned young men of the spiritual dangers of touching themselves, citing everything from lost priesthood power in their dating lives to permanent damage to their divine penile potential. For Jensen, the fear of an eternity spent in lesser glory, has been motivation enough to launch a full-fledged war against his own body.
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“It’s been a journey,” said Jensen, who keeps a framed copy of For The Strength of Youth next to his bed as a deterrent. “I’ve tried everything—praying, fasting, writing out my feelings in my journal, keeping both hands occupied at all times. One time, I even tried doing push-ups until I was too exhausted to sin. Didn’t work, by the way. I just ended up stronger, which honestly made things worse.”
Jensen’s bishop, Brother Paulson, remains cautiously optimistic about his renewed commitment. “Trevor has come to my office every few months for years, seeking counsel on this matter,” Paulson said, shaking his head solemnly. “We’ve talked about strategies, accountability partners, the power of priesthood blessings, and of course, marriage. I told him if he really wants to stop, he should just get married immediately. That way, he can channel those urges into having lots of kids and move onto the next phase in life: crippling debt.”
Despite the overwhelming internal struggle, Jensen remains hopeful. “The thing is, I know the Lord will help me overcome this. I’m taking it one day at a time. No, actually—one hour at a time. Let’s be honest.”
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