LEXINGTON, KY—Local LDS father and proud Word of Wisdom enthusiast Gary Christensen may have lost both of his legs to adult-onset diabetes, but he is still quick to “thank-lecture” his children on the 19th century prairie diet that he believes is ahead of 21st century science.
“This gospel is all about living the healthiest lifestyle possible,” said Christensen from his motorized scooter with a prominently displayed bumper sticker saying “Live To The Max!” and his oxygen tank hissing faintly in the background. “Some people out there think they know about nutrition, but they don’t have modern revelation guiding them.”
Christensen, 62, who enjoys his daily diet of chocolate turtles, snickers bars, donut gems and a Diet Coke, has long credited the Word of Wisdom for his “thriving” health. “You see, God knew chewing tobacco was bad for your furniture before scientists did,” he explained proudly while finishing second-breakfast. “And that’s why I follow the prophet’s counsel to the letter.”
Family members confirm that despite his amputations, ongoing neuropathy, and the monthly injection of steroids directly into his eyeball to experience the miracle of eyesight, Christensen still considers himself at the pinnacle of human health, no thanks to the health advice his doctor gives him, which is too ridiculous to follow, and an afront to his personal freedoms. “People outside the Church are just poisoning their bodies left and right. Meanwhile, I haven’t touched a drop of wine or beer in my life. Who’s really winning here?” he asked, adjusting his “socks” and finishing the left-over brownies from last week’s baptism.
Brethren Allowed to Play Dress-Up When Adult is Present
His seventh daughter, 23-year-old Kelsey Christensen, noted that she has learned a lot about health from her father whom she barely knows but affectionately calls ‘pappy’. “I feel like I’ve dodged so many bullets,” she said. “Like, green tea? No way. Even though it’s full of antioxidants and has tons of benefits, it’s a slippery slope to heroin.”
Though doctors have suggested dietary changes to help manage his remaining health concerns, Christensen remains steadfast in his belief that as long as he follows the divine nutrition plan outlined by Joseph Smith in 1833, he’s ahead of the curve. He’s also under the impression that Brigham Young lived a long and healthy life while subsisting almost exclusively on root beer floats.
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