POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—After years of believing a single pair of footsteps in various sandy areas of his neighborhood symbolized Christ’s help during his most trying times, local Latter-day Saint Jeremy Callister was devastated to learn the true explanation: Ambien side effects had been causing him to sleepwalk through both literal and metaphorical challenges.
“I was always taught that when there was only one set of footprints, it meant the Savior was carrying me,” Callister said, shaking his head while reviewing security footage of himself wearing nothing but garments and cowboy boots, aimlessly wandering through a a dusty parking lot at 3 a.m. “Turns out, that was just me on a Tuesday night after swallowing a Costco-sized bottle of “Zolpi-Get-Dem-Zees!” (the Kirkland Signature version of Zolpidem, aka ‘Ambien’).”
Warning signs emerged earlier in the week on a disorienting Sunday morning, when Callister woke up in the chapel pews mid-sacrament meeting, still wearing his CPAP mask and clutching a bowl of half-eaten tuna casserole leftovers. The Bishop considered escorting him out but felt conflicted and grateful for what his attendance might mean for the ward’s activity numbers.
Bishop Dennis Whitmore, who has known Callister since his early missionary days, confirmed suspicions of nocturnal misadventures. “He kept telling me that his body was feeling ‘guided’ lately, so I braced myself for another masturbation confession, but this time it was about his habit of sleep-parking on the church flowerbeds,” said Whitmore.
Callister’s family members expressed mixed emotions upon learning his divine support system was, in fact, a pharmaceutical-grade sedative. “It’s kind of a relief,” admitted his wife, Kelly. “For a while, I thought he was being carried by someone—just not the Lord. You don’t ‘accidentally’ end up in Atlantic City with a bus ticket and a bag of Frooties more than once.”
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Medical professionals warn that Callister’s case is part of a larger trend of sleepwalking, sleep-driving, and sleep-testimony-bearing among Ambien users. The trend explains the higher volume of testimonies given in recent decades by members in a trance-like state. “Faith and pharmaceuticals don’t always mix well,” said Dr. Alan Forsythe, a sleep specialist at University of Utah. “It’s important to distinguish between divine intervention and the open rebellion of your frontal lobe.”
Despite the shocking revelation, Callister remains optimistic. “At first, I felt abandoned,” he admitted. “But then I realized—if the Lord wasn’t carrying me, at least He wasn’t the one who drove my car into the ward building. That one’s on me.”
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