PROVO, UT — In a landmark address to students at Brigham Young University’s Psychology Department, Dr. Ethan McKay, LDS psychologist and amateur apologist, unveiled a controversial yet theologically airtight theory: confirmation bias still counts as a confirmation.
Referencing the often-cited scripture Moroni 10:4-5, which promises divine truth to anyone who asks “with a sincere heart, with real intent,” McKay explained that any positive feeling — including those that follow after weeks of intense peer pressure, 1.5 gallons of Orange Crush at church activities and the threat of having to “pray about it again” if they receive no answer — is irrefutable evidence of eternal truth.
“We teach that before faith comes hope. And that hope is what we mean by ‘real intent,’ explained McKay, while gesturing at a pie chart labeled “Feelings vs. Eternal Truth.”
Sensing some confusion in the room, McKay hastily added: “If you don’t want it to be true then you’re doing it wrong.”
The Lord works in mysterious — and highly conditional — ways.
When asked about the possibility of not receiving a confirmation after praying, McKay remained unfazed. “Well, clearly they didn’t ask with a sincere heart,” he said, nodding solemnly. “Or they asked while sleepy. Or they were distracted. Or maybe they were holding the book upside-down. The Lord works in mysterious — and highly conditional — ways.”
Church spokesperson Sister Linda Jensen echoed the sentiment, noting that “the lack of an answer is sometimes the answer, which ironically confirms the confirmation. And sometimes YOU just have to provide the answer. It’s kind of like a spiritual CAPTCHA.”
In response to critics pointing out that people in other religions report identical feelings confirming entirely different doctrines, McKay replied, “Exactly — that proves the system works. Truth feels good, lies feel bad. So all feelings of goodness confirm truth, and therefore… wait, sorry, I lost my train of thought. Anyway, go cougs!.”
