LDS Leaders immediately dismissed the study on arrogance without even reading the details.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — After decades of theological excavation, doctrinal pivoting, and PR whiplash, LDS Church Theologians blessed with the gift of “if-then” logic realized: if ignorance is bliss and arrogance is the perfect enabler of ignorance, then arrogance is central to God’s Plan of Happiness.
LDS Members all over the world, who regularly say they “know” something as an expression of “faith,” chuckled at how long it took their theologian friends to figure this out.
LDS Theologians, who automatically assume that role when their stake patriarch assigns them to the super-nerdy Tribe of Asher in their patriarchal blessing, are like the “physicists” of religion if religions followed any unifying principles. Their observation about faith’s inseparable link to arrogant ignorance was quickly chalked up as proof of the Book of Mormon’s veracity because of the sacred text’s frequent mentions of the “Pride Cycle” always existing among God’s chosen people. God’s infinite wisdom has yet to figure out how to effectively “choose” a people without their heads swelling up to the size of the average temple steeple.
“We’ve long suspected that blind confidence was our spiritual bedrock,” said Elder Marlin J. Crumble, holder of the Ironic Priesthood. “But we had no idea that the phrase ‘pride comes before the fall’ were instructions on how to write a really righteous talk leading up to October General Conference.”
According to internal memos leaked from Church headquarters (by the Spirit), arrogance creates a perfect epistemological feedback loop: the less you know, the more certain you feel, and the more certain you feel, the faster your job promotion in the church comes (for members without dominant caucasian lineage, please replace “job promotion” with the word “faith”).
This doctrinal model proved effective in the infamous “Why Would God Create Gay People?” talk by late Apostle Boyd K. Packer, a speech which dared LGBTQ members to watch General Conference without literally wanting to die. The speech has since been upgraded from “doctrine” to “opinion,” a special designation for doctrine that is obeyed without even being official. Observers predict that Packer will become “A Product of His Time” in just a few short years, which would be a new record since prophets and apostles usually achieve this during their lifetime.
“We’ve realized now that our complete inability to approach sensitive issues with compassion or reason was actually a spiritual strategy,” said Elder Crumble. “Just as the Lord chose Joseph Smith to be our ’empty vessel,’ we make sure to keep our minds empty as well. This handy trick allows us to speak with divine authority about things we don’t understand — things that we have no desire to understand.”
The model doesn’t stop at theology. Church urban planning officials confirmed that the explosion of nearly-empty temples across the globe — now averaging one per active family — is a symbolic expression of divine arrogance. A recent Fairview, TX town hall meeting illustrated just how important the arrogant attention-grabbling lights of these empty temples are for the salvation of their members. With the church refusing to turn off these lights between 11pm and 5am, citizens living close to these temples will need to find some other time to sleep, which is a sacrifice the church is willing to make.
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“These gleaming concrete obelisks based on clipart represent our total disconnection from reality,” said Sister Wendy Talbot, Head of the Committee for the “Blight the World” initiative. “They blot out the stars, consume towns, and cost tens of millions each — all to house sacred ordinances that our scriptures say Christ did outside in nature. That’s how I know that this church has some real sticking power, and is obviously true.”
Critics have pointed out that this temple boom coincides with the Church’s hoarding of over $250 billion in tax-free investments, a fact leaders insist is simply “preparing for the Second Coming” — when Jesus, presumably, will return empty handed and will request some “pocket cash.”
“It’s like Christ said: ‘Abandon all your wealth and follow me… unless your dividend yield is fire. Then it’s just good stewardship.’” Crumble added.
But the most staggering example of arrogance-enabling ignorance remains the whitewashed legacy of founder Joseph Smith, whom Church materials still portray as a misunderstood farm boy while ignoring his well-documented habit of serial statutory rape dressed up as retroactive plural marriage.
“Was it criminal? Yes. Was it divinely sanctioned? We’re not not saying that,” said one Church historian, hiding behind a stack of 90s-era Ensign magazines and a glassy stare. “Either way, it’s spiritually complex, and it’s the church that asks the questions, like during your next Temple Recommend interview,” he said, threateningly.
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