AMERICAN FORK, UT—A local LDS congregation found itself in a minor controversy this week after denying aid to a weary Jewish woman who arrived at their chapel riding a donkey while in labor, citing ward policy on only assisting full-tithe-paying members.
The woman, identified as Mary of Nazareth, reportedly arrived at the church on the back of a donkey Monday evening, accompanied by her soon-to-be husband Joseph, a carpenter by trade. The couple, exhausted from travel, hoped for a kind stranger to offer a warm meal and a safe place for Mary to give birth to their baby whom they hoped would be a girl. However, upon learning that neither had any desire to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the ward leadership regretfully informed them they could not be assisted.
When members of the ward learned that the couple is unmarried and from another country, things got tense.
“I truly sympathize with her situation,” said Bishop Greg Olsen (no relation to the painter), “but our fast offering funds are reserved for worthy members who are in good standing with the Church. If we start helping people, we become a charitable organization. So then what, cut our temple building from 50 to 45 a year? It’s a slippery slope.”
Ward members who witnessed the incident reported that Mary, despite experiencing both labor and existential contractions, was urged to try the Catholic church downtown, as they believe in charity. When Joseph inquired about the Bishop’s Storehouse, he was informed that such services were only available to members with a referral from their local bishop, and their local bishop was in the middle of a grueling youth shame-a-thon and unreachable.
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“I even offered to work for food,” Joseph later told reporters. “I’m a carpenter—I could have built them a whole new podium for their talks. But they said that God only puts machine-made furniture in His house, and by then Mary’s water had already broken.”
The couple eventually found refuge in a stable behind a nearby inn, where Mary gave birth to a son, who they named Albert. Eyewitnesses claim that a bright star appeared over the location, and shepherds arrived to pay homage, though local commandment enthusiast Sister Karen Godfrey called the police on the “immigrants wearing robes right outside my window!”
Despite the controversy, the LDS Church stands by its decision. “This is simply how the system works,” eagerly explained an official spokesperson. “If they’d like assistance in the future, we invite them to join us for a quick baptism and back-tithing settlement. Until then, we wish them well on their journey.”
At press time, a group of foreign dignitaries known as “wise men” were apprehended and deported, even after showing valid visa status. “No gifts for little Albert tonight,” muttered Sister Karen with a smile.
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