SPANISH FORK, UT — In an inspired but ultimately futile attempt to save money amid rising inflation and soaring tanning salon prices, local LDS woman Heather Farnsworth recently announced her bold plan to “get her summer body ready” by following Joseph Fielding Smith’s advice and re-evaluating her obedience in the pre-existence.
That negro race, for instance, have been placed under restrictions because of their attitude in the world of spirits, few will doubt.
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“I figured, if the Book of Mormon says the Lamanites got darker skin for not believing, then maybe if I unbelieve, I can pick up a few shades before summer,” Farnsworth explained while applying a generous layer of SPF 100 to her already-blistered shoulders.
The 28-year-old Relief Society counselor, known among friends for her devotion to both Moroni and moisturizers, came up with the idea after her usual tanning salon raised prices to “City Creek Mall” levels. With her budget tighter than her temple garments after a fast Sunday potluck, she turned to the scriptures for inspiration.
“2 Nephi literally says God ‘caused dark skin’ to come upon the unbelievers,” Farnsworth said, pulling up highlighted verses on her Scriptures app. “I thought, why not just spiritually backslide for a bit? Maybe renounce a couple of covenants, binge some true crime, and flirt with the idea of drinking frappuccinos while swearing.”
Her plan included prayer neglect, slightly skipping some words in sacrament hymns, and listening to Imagine Dragons on Sunday. “I even stopped sending passive-aggressive texts to inactive sisters. That’s basically apostasy.”
Despite her best efforts to spiritually dehydrate, Farnsworth’s skin remained “pioneer-level pale,” even after dramatically questioning her eternal potential during ward choir practice. Her bishop eventually staged an intervention after she was caught openly hoping for a lower kingdom “with better melanin.”
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“My ancestors crossed the plains for this?” she cried. “I should’ve spiritually fence-sat harder! Why didn’t anyone tell me that being a pre-mortal moderate might’ve saved me so much on tanning packages?!”
The term “fence-sitter” is frequently used in LDS folklore to describe souls who were lukewarm in the war in heaven, a theological gray area Farnsworth now sees as a missed opportunity. “If I’d just been a little less gung-ho in the pre-existence,” she lamented, “maybe I wouldn’t create such a blinding glare on the temple mirrors.”
The situation reached a climax during her stake’s pool party when Farnsworth, blinded by her own skin’s glare, accidentally baptized-by-immersion two children playing Marco Polo. “They said they were just going under for fun, but the Spirit whispered otherwise,” she claimed to police officers arriving on the scene.
In the end, her experiment proved theologically and dermatologically flawed. Church spokespeople confirmed that changing one’s eternal hue through doctrinal loopholes was “not currently supported by the Handbook.” They also clarified that early LDS teachings about dark skin being a curse have been “softened,” “reconsidered,” and finally “quietly deleted from the website at 3 a.m.”
Farnsworth has since returned to more traditional methods, such as spray tans and ceiling fan prayers. “Next time I’m short on cash, maybe I’ll start selling essential oils again. And maybe this year I’ll figure out the sepia filter on Instagram.”
