PROVO, UT — The world narrowly avoided catastrophic ruin once again this week thanks to local Relief Society secretary and unassuming savior, Linda Beth Farnsworth, who selflessly submitted the word “Everyone” on the Provo Utah Temple prayer roll — a ritual she’s been quietly performing every Tuesday afternoon since 1988.
Farnsworth, 77, reportedly began her weekly practice after hearing a Sunday School lesson on the power of prayer, immediately realizing she could potentially hack the entire spiritual infrastructure of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. “I just thought, well, why not just cover all the bases?” she said, clutching a well-worn paperback copy of Jesus the Christ. “It didn’t seem right to leave anyone out — even the people in line at the post office who act like they’re too good to use the self-serve kiosk.”
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Temple workers confirmed that Farnsworth has been single-handedly holding together the fragile fabric of existence for nearly four decades, although they only recently connected the dots. “We always thought the prayer rolls were meant for individuals facing serious illness or hardship,” said Brother Gregson, a temple ordinance worker who first noticed the anomaly. “But Sister Farnsworth… she’s playing the long game. She’s been submitting ‘Everyone’ for so long, we’re pretty sure she’s the reason the Y2K bug didn’t happen.”
While some temple-goers question the doctrinal soundness of her approach, most have come to regard her as an unsung heroine. “Honestly, I sleep better at night knowing Linda Beth’s got the whole planet covered every week,” said local bishop Dale Christensen. “With all the wars, climate change, and whatever’s going on with Taylor Swift’s dating life — it’s comforting to know somebody’s got us all on the list.”
Despite her universal impact, Farnsworth remains humble about her ongoing efforts to stave off total global collapse. “Oh, it’s nothing, really,” she said, loading a Tupperware of funeral potatoes into the back of her Honda CR-V. “Besides, I only do it on Tuesdays — I’m sure somebody else is covering the other days.”
When asked if she would ever consider retiring her weekly submission, Farnsworth shook her head. “Not until the Millennium, honey. Someone’s gotta keep this whole thing from going up in flames.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Farnsworth had already penciled in next Tuesday’s prayer roll submission, with plans to once again write “Everyone” — along with a special side note requesting extra blessings for the Young Women’s bake sale because, quote, “their snickerdoodles were a little dry last time.”
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