PROVO, UT — In what has become both a spiritual journey and a recurring personal Groundhog Day, 29-year-old Latter-day Saint and self-diagnosed ADHD maximalist Rachel Andersen confirmed Monday that she has once again embarked on a bold new effort to read the Book of Mormon—beginning, for the 100th documented attempt, with 1st Nephi.
Despite years of sincere effort, journal entries filled with motivational quotes, and multiple color-coded scripture marking systems, Andersen has yet to make it past the Waters of Mormon. Sources close to the situation say she remains “vaguely aware” that a man named Captain Moroni exists but is trying to shake the impression that he’s a Marvel character.
“I just love the part where Nephi builds the boat,” said Andersen, highlighting a well-worn verse with a glitter pen. “Wait—did I already highlight this in orange? What did orange mean again? Faith? Despair? Pancakes?”
Andersen’s scriptures, which resemble a combination of a Lisa Frank trapper keeper and a crime board from True Detective, are filled with a kaleidoscope of sticky notes, hand-sketched chariots, and motivational phrases like “You got this, girl!” and “Don’t get distracted by Pinterest!”
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Asked why she doesn’t simply pick up where she left off last time, Andersen replied, “Well, it just feels wrong. Like starting Pride and Prejudice halfway through. I need to remember who Laban is. And Lehi’s dream. And that one part with the brass plates I skimmed because I was supposed to be at work.”
At press time, Andersen was reportedly four verses into 1 Nephi chapter 3 before she paused to look up ancient brass plate metallurgy on Wikipedia, which somehow led to a 2-hour deep dive into Renaissance ferret paintings and a Buzzfeed quiz titled, “What Kind of Obscure Apostate Are You?”
Her bishop has declined to comment but was seen quietly slipping her a copy of The Book of Mormon: The Graphic Novel, which ends abruptly halfway through Alma due to disturbingly violent imagery.
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Sam the Lamanite:
Let’s be honest—Sam probably could’ve said his piece and climbed down, but instead he was on that wall like a manic TED Talker on pre-workout.
And now behold… wait, what was I saying? Oh right, repentance. Also, did anyone else notice that one arrow just grazed my shoulder? That was wild, right?
The abridged Helaman
Classic case of hyperfixation on divine doom prophecy, mixed with impulse control issues—he had no exit strategy. Might’ve also enjoyed the thrill. Possibly ADHD and adrenaline-seeking behavior.
Coriantumr:
This man was in a war for literally years, and only seemed to notice things had gone too far when he was the last guy alive.
“I should probably do something about this endless bloodshed… but first let me bury these twenty-three million bodies and take a long nap.”
Lost footnotes on the Book of Ether
Had big plans, but the follow-through? Spotty. A classic ADHD trait: realizing consequences long after they’ve happened.
Alma the Younger:
When an angel had to literally knock him unconscious to get his attention, we’re not ruling out that he just wasn’t listening.
Alma! ALMA! Stop rebelling! Also, stop bouncing your leg!
Alma, just the normal version. It’s so long you probably just forgot about this part.
Post-conversion, he overcorrects by becoming hyperproductive and emotionally intense, another familiar ADHD arc: from chaos to crusader in 0.2 seconds.
