LEHI, UT — The spirit of ancient prophet Lehi—visionary of the Tree of Life, iron rod enthusiast, and reluctant desert trekker—was spotted wandering Utah’s Wasatch Front this week in what appeared to be a state of confused horror. Witnesses report him being visibly shaken after discovering that the church that licensed his family’s story in the Book of Mormon recently broke ground on a new great and spacious temple in a city called Lehi.
Lehi was overheard sighing as he floated past a construction sign reading Future Home of the Lehi Utah Temple, “Holiness to The LORD… just off I-15, near the outlet mall.”
Sources say the prophet originally descended in hopes of witnessing his symbolic vision fulfilled in latter days. Instead, he was overwhelmed by a vision of a $250 billion investment fund, rows of gated temples accessible only to the ritually interviewed, and a religious welfare system that ironically can only provide help if you’re a tithe-payer in good standing.
“I don’t remember the Lord saying the church should care for the widow and the orphan through a series of worthiness interviews,” Lehi murmured.
Lehi’s Journey
Lehi’s 2025 journey through Utah started when he entered Salt Lake City through a portal inside the Clark Planetarium where angels regularly come in and out of this physical existence during the twice-weekly Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon laser light show which makes perfect cover since the portal is a triangle with rainbows coming out of it.
Lehi’s much-anticipated visit to Utah took a grim turn when he first floated into the Church Office Building in Salt Lake City and mistook the lobby for the great and spacious building from his vision. Then he realized, this was just the lobby. He began to feel the PTSD of someone who never got over their religious acid trip.
In an apparent attempt to reach the Tree of Life, Lehi fled the Church Office Building and encountered several obstacles, including the impenetrable City Creek mall, a fleet of luxury condominiums downtown and a gated compound in Holladay, but nothing could prepare him for what he would discover.
As Lehi teleported from town to town, he began again to be haunted by his infamous dream at the beginning of the Book of Mormon, where only the arrogant would gravitate towards the great and spacious buildings that he now saw brightly-lit in the center of every town.
He realized he could no longer call what he had had back in 600 BC a dream, it had turned into a nightmare.
When he reached the city of Lehi, which he had of course saved for last, he wandered by the rendering of the future Lehi Temple (because ghosts can do that) with a heavy heart, unable now to stop comparing the great and spacious monstrosities with the great tower of Mordor and that scary flaming eye (which he later learned is a Jehova’s Witness Kingdom Hall).
Church officials declined to comment on the apparition, but released a statement reminding members that “the vision of Lehi is open to interpretation and should be understood in the context of continuous revelation, SEC filings notwithstanding.”
Lehi was last seen drifting away from the church’s headquarters and toward a small group of exmormons, not because of a “Jesus-hangs-with-sinners” vibe, but because they are the only ones that have actually read about his life.
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