PLEASANT GROVE, UT — In what he described as an effort to “create a reverent and spiritually open environment,” local LDS bishop Ron Dalton, 47, reportedly dimmed the lighting in his office Sunday afternoon before proceeding to probe a 16-year-old member of his ward whether she had “ever done anything that might make the Holy Ghost feel uncomfortable.”
Sources confirmed that the bishop, who has no formal training in counseling, psychology, or reading the room, adjusted the light dimmer with what several witnesses outside the office described as “a little too much flourish” just moments before inviting the young woman to “please close the door.”
“I always want youth to feel comfortable while I gently interrogate them about the most intimate aspects of human sexuality,” said Dalton, now bathed in a soft amber glow reminiscent of a massage parlor. “The lighting helps make my office feel less like a place where your eternal salvation hinges on how much necking and petting occurred behind the seminary building.”
Despite assurances from the Church that these interviews are meant to be spiritual check-ins rather than awkward purity tribunals, youth in the ward report a different experience.
“He leaned in like Dracula in a cheap suit and asked if I’d ‘broken the law of chastity in any way, shape, or form,’” said 17-year-old Clara Williams, who described the bishop’s ambiance as “romantic restaurant meets middle school vice principal.”
“The lava lamp was a new touch,” added Williams. “I think it was meant to symbolize the warmth of the Savior’s love, but after I noticed it he asked if I wanted to ‘hang out’ and it just made me want to get out of there faster.”
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Parents have begun to express concerns, with several requesting that bishops keep on the overhead fluorescents and perhaps even invite a second adult into the room, ideally one who doesn’t exhale slowly before asking, “And then what happened?”
For his part, Bishop Dalton maintains he’s simply following the handbook and doing his best.
“I just want these kids to make good choices,” he said, gently misting lavender essential oil from a discreet corner diffuser. “And nothing says spiritual accountability like the delicate hum of a Himalayan salt lamp while we discuss how much post-penetration movement there was.”
