RIGBY, ID — Local Latter-day Saint dad and self-proclaimed “spiritual provider” Doug Whitmer found himself in an unexpected quandary Sunday morning: running out of new ways to do even less than usual in honor of Father’s Day.
“I don’t get it,” said Doug, reclining on a faux leather sectional while sipping a Diet Mountain Dew poured for him by his 8-year-old daughter. “I already haven’t changed a diaper in seven years. I haven’t planned a family home evening since Obama was in office. What’s left? Faking my own death?”
Whitmer, who serves as second counselor in the elders quorum and full-time consultant in “getting out of stuff,” was reportedly devastated to learn that “doing the least” had diminishing returns when it was already his daily baseline.
“He told me this morning, ‘Babe, this is my day,’ and I was like, when is it not?” said his wife, Sister Melanie Whitmer, while unloading a Crock-Pot, refereeing a Lego-related argument, and prepping her ministering lesson. “He’s been celebrating Father’s Day since the day he got the Melchizedek Priesthood.”
Neighbors reported that Doug’s big plans for the day included rotating between multiple napping positions, aggressively not listening during sacrament meeting, and “grilling” by standing near a grill while his wife handed him fully prepped kebabs and a “kiss the patriarch” apron.
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“He did stand up one time to bless the food,” said 12-year-old daughter Brielle. “But he just said, ‘Please bless this meat,’ and then sat down before Mom could even say amen.”
The Whitmers’ ward, located in the heart of Rigby, ID, has long supported traditional gender roles with cutting-edge 1950s efficiency. But even some local priesthood holders admitted Doug might be pushing the celestial envelope.
“I aspire to his level,” said Brother Jared Ellis, a father of five and full-time HVAC technician. “Last week I tried to ‘accidentally’ miss my son’s baptism so I could watch the Seahawks game. But Doug? He’s a visionary. I once saw him pretend to be confessing something in the bishop’s office to avoid nursery duty.”
