PROVO, UT — In a quietly delivered disciplinary action, Bishop Kent Driggs of the Provo 11th YSA Ward has been placed on indefinite “ecclesiastical reassignment” after a troubling audit revealed that not a single marriage arranged under his watch has lasted more than 18 months — the rough gestation period for when the reality of who you’ve dedicated eternity to finally hits. It’s enough time for at least one eye-opening holiday season living together as they actually get to know each other under the pressures of real life for the first time.
According to internal documents leaked through a group chat titled Ward FHE FAM! 🙂, the Church has become increasingly concerned that the “efficacy rate” of bishop-led matchmaking has dipped below the acceptable celestial threshold of 70% eternal retention, as measured by ward clerks calculating temple sealing confirmations and whether the original couple still sits next to each other in the family ward’s sacrament meeting.
“We’re not saying marriage is the only metric that matters in a singles ward,” said Area Authority Elder Brent Callister while scanning a spreadsheet labeled Baptisms vs. Bed Count, “but if no one’s getting married, how else are we supposed to stop them from grinding on each other at the stake dance?”
Driggs, a 46-year-old father of five and oft-times orthodontist as his calling permits, took over the 11th Ward in 2020 with a bold vision: to seal at least 20 couples per fiscal year using a combination of constant chastity talks to get the engines running, awkward firesides to remind everyone how righteous women forgive their men, no matter what, and by divining emotional compatibility based on testimonies in fast & testimony meeting. But critics say his methods became “too reliant on revelation and not enough on proximity and fear of dying alone.”
“The Church just wants results,” said one ward clerk who requested anonymity but then proudly bore his testimony about it the next Sunday. “At least in the early 2000s, people were getting married by the second date. Now, they’re all ‘going to therapy’ and ‘figuring themselves out’ for a month — it’s ruining everything.”
Bishop Dims Lighting Whenever Asking About Chastity
The suspension comes amid growing concern among LDS leadership about Utah’s rapidly normalizing divorce rates. While long touted as a bastion of wholesome family values (and porn use), Utah has recently seen its marital success metrics drift dangerously close to heathen levels, with 1 in 3 marriages ending in divorce — and the other 2 just quietly faking being married once a year for the ward Christmas party.
The Bishopric’s failure has reignited ultra-conservative movements such as the “Deseret Initiative,” a grassroots organization pushing for a return to “Covenant-Based Compulsory Courtship,” in which dating is replaced with immediate patriarchal assignments and all breakups require First Presidency approval. Their unofficial slogan: ‘Chastity First, and then maybe Compatibility’.
“They say love is patient, love is kind,” said recently-married Madisyn Tolman (pictured above), “but love does get you kicked out of the temple for second base. I think they lovingly want us to hurry up and make this decision already.”
Meanwhile, Bishop Driggs has been reassigned to a “Remarried and Regretfully Re-activated” family ward where he will lead a congregation of couples that were convinced to remarry after the sins keeping them apart were “all better now, problem solved.”
