CEDAR HILLS, UT — In a bold act of ecclesiastical resistance not seen since that one time Nephi voted “no” to murder Laban and lost, the priests of the Cedar Hills, UT 2nd Ward have been deliberately flubbing the sacrament prayers for over an hour each Sunday in an effort to filibuster the confirmation vote of a new Young Men’s President: Bryce “Elder Vibes” McCallister, a local Mormon influencer known for his cringe-worthy gospel TikToks and relentless use of phrases like “spiritually based.”
According to multiple sources, what began as a noble priesthood duty has become a battleground of defiance. “Last week, I said ‘wine’ instead of ‘water,’” admitted 16-year-old quorum member Jackson Miller. “The Bishop’s eye twitched so hard I thought he had received a revelation. But no—just disappointment.”
The sacrament prayers, which must be recited verbatim, have become the perfect procedural choke point. Each mistake—be it “that they may eat in remembrance” instead of “that they may do it in remembrance”—requires the Bishop to offer the time-honored head shake of doom, a non-verbal signal translating roughly to “the Lord is not pleased, and neither am I.”
McCallister, whose online content includes “Follow Christ But First Follow Me” and “Modesty Hacks for Dudes,” rose to notoriety for his viral reel entitled ‘Be Mormon or Be a Murdering Sex-Addicted Drug Fiend, the Choice is Yours’. His proposed calling has triggered quiet but universal dread among the youth. “I just don’t want to do fire pit devotionals with a guy who live-streams ward building clean-up,” whispered one deacon in fear.
“I’m not saying he’s not called of God,” said Priest Quorum President Caleb Madsen, while clearly saying that. “But when a guy ends every prayer with ‘like, comment, and subscribe to the Spirit,’ you start asking questions.”
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The Bishopric, visibly aging with each botched blessing, has attempted to move the confirmation vote earlier in the meeting. But the priests adapted, reportedly rehearsing “accidental” coughs, prolonged page flips, and even improvised demon possessions which end with the sacrament all over the floor.
Last Sunday’s meeting reached a historic standoff when Priest Landon Sorenson stared down the Bishop for a full 30 seconds after saying, “…that they are willing to taco upon them—uh, take upon them…” The Bishop shook his head. The ward cheered internally.
“They’ve discovered the spiritual loophole of nonviolent protest,” sighed Brother Hanks, a member of the Elders Quorum who claims he hasn’t had a full sacrament meeting in weeks. “Honestly, it’s more reverent than most fast Sundays.”
When reached for comment, Bryce McCallister posted a now-deleted X post saying, “Getting persecuted for the Truth. 💪 #modernNephi.” He has since been spotted handing out “Follow Me, Bro” devotionals to unsuspecting Sunbeams.
As the standoff continues, the priests have reportedly begun planning next week’s resistance, which includes one mansplaining the prayer in his “MTC District Leader” voice and another intentionally reading the crossword puzzle clues from Friend magazine.
The ward remains in limbo, the bread is stale, and the youth remain vigilant.
In the words of one anonymous priest: “As long as there’s breath in our lungs and a preposition we can misplace, that man is not getting sustained.”
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