SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a cosmic twist that has caused irony to descend like the morning dew on the Wasatch Front, a sudden market downturn has reportedly wiped out 10% of Ensign Peak Advisors’ assets this week, prompting LDS Church leaders to finally experience the unique and holy sting of giving up 10% of your income for reasons that remain “sacred, not transparent.”
The loss—estimated in the billions—was described in a hastily written press release as “a tithing unto the free market,” with church officials assuring members that “this is all part of God’s divine long-term investment strategy.”
“We’ve always taught that sacrifice brings blessings,” said Bishop Randall M. Tithington while nervously clutching a copy of The Wall Street Journal and a slightly damp Book of Mormon. “This week with General Conference we aren’t taking in as many tithes, and now we’re paying tithing. It’s so unfair.”
Church insiders say Ensign Peak, the investment arm of the LDS Church, had diversified heavily into stocks, real estate, and apparently, not divine karma.
“Turns out when the widow gives her mite to the Lord, the Lord giveth and the Dow taketh away,” said one anonymous Ensign Peak accountant, who asked to be referred to only as “Brother Index Fund.”
In a special address to members, President Russell M. Nelson reassured Saints worldwide: “We want you to know your sacred donations are in the safest possible hands—well, except for last week.” When he was met with no laughs from those attending, he added, “But seriously, we saw this one coming.”
When asked whether the Church might consider lowering the tithing requirement in solidarity with the grief of their own recent 10% loss, Church authorities looked confused and quietly asked if this was some sort of faith test.
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“I mean, God only asks for 10%, He isn’t a charity,” said Elder Merritt D. Peydey of the Quorum of the Fiscally Unshaken. After straightening his tie and contorting his face into a smile-grimace, he continued, “Look, Heavenly Father is going to need another bailout. The tech-heavy Nasdaq isn’t resurrecting within the next three days.”
Meanwhile, rank-and-file members expressed mixed reactions, but not about this issue since they are being kept completely in the dark.
Church Area Leaders have commanded stakes to conduct emergency fasts at regular intervals—not for spiritual reasons, but in hopes that skipping a few extra lunches to boost fast offerings might help recoup a few million in lost profits. Church officials remain optimistic.
“This is just a short-term correction,” said an unnamed Church spokesman. “We trust in God’s timing—and we’ve also completely switched to bonds.”
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