SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a groundbreaking fusion of faith and cybersecurity, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced this week that their newly launched Digital Temple Recommend system is “298% more effective” at preventing the unworthy from sneaking into sacred spaces and “shoplifting saving ordinances.”
The announcement came during a special fireside broadcast entitled The Lord’s Cloud Security, during which Elder Truman R. Firewall of the Quorum of the Seventy testified, “The adversary has many tools—doubt, temptation, and analog counterfeiting. But rest assured, our proprietary QR-code-based entry protocol is far more resistant to spiritual identity theft than cardstock.”
The shift to digital recommends, accessed via the LDS Tools app, secured with seven-factor authentication, and can only be activated by turning two keys simultaneously, has sparked lively debate across social media. Faithful members, technophobes, and that one guy in every ward who uses burner phones are voicing concerns over potential glitches, divine surveillance, and whether the new system can withstand the Second Coming’s inevitable electromagnetic pulse.
“I don’t trust it,” said Sister Denise Carpenter, 64, Relief Society President and local Facebook forwarder of conspiracy theories. “If Dominion can flip elections, what’s stopping them from flipping my recommend status mid-endowment? I went in worthy and came out listed as ‘Outer Darkness Adjacent.’”
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In a follow-up FAQ posted to the church website, the Brethren clarified: “Should your phone die in the temple lobby, the Lord’s anointed will still accept paper recommends—but only with visible tears of shame and a firm commitment to charge your device.”
According to leaked internal documents (miraculously found in a dusty Gospel Doctrine binder), the digital recommend’s underlying technology includes features such as:
- Celestial Bluetooth Pairing to confirm worthiness while second or third in line.
- Automatic Repentance Alerts™, which prompt users to “see the bishop” after pornography is detected streaming on the device.
- Geo-fencing for Zion, which allegedly prevents recommends from functioning after being tracked at Coachella, cannabis dispensaries, and libraries.
Church spokesperson Sister Emily Soteria emphasized the security benefits: “Under the old system, literally anyone with a laminator and a stake president signature stamp could stroll into the Lord’s House and start proxy baptizing for any ol’ spirit with a name. Now, with digital recommends, we’ve closed the loophole. No more ordinance heists. No more unauthorized heavenly mansion upgrades.”
Still, skeptics remain.
“What’s next?” asked Brother Jared Nibley, 32, who insists on calling it “The Blockchain of Eternal Life.” “Baptism-by-airdrop? I got sealed to my wife the old-fashioned way—on paper, with awkward photos right outside a closed temple door while the uncle who wasn’t allowed inside whispered ‘cult’ under his breath. That’s tradition.”
The Church has not ruled out future enhancements, including retina scanning, facial recognition based on FamilySearch photos, and eventually, Neuralink integrations allowing recommends to be written directly into the flesh of the user’s heart.
In the meantime, members are encouraged to update their recommends, upgrade their phones, and for the love of all that is holy, stop trying to screenshot the QR code to post online.
As Elder Firewall concluded in his remarks, “The path to salvation is straight, narrow, and now fully compatible with iOS and Android.”
