New Testament No Longer “New” says Church Proclamation

Old Testament retains status but is “skating on thin ice,” with just the “anti-gay stuff” keeping it relevant.

SALT LAKE CITY— In a landmark declaration delivered from the marble-clad halls of Church Headquarters, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has officially downgraded the New Testament from its long-standing status of ‘New’ to simply ‘Recent Testament,’ effective immediately.

The announcement, read with solemn reverence by President Russell M. Nelson flanked by the full quorum of apostles, was introduced as The Proclamation on the Testament: An Eternal Assertion of Testamentary Definitions and Their Unchangeable Timeliness in the Dispensation of the Latter Days.

“Though the word ‘New’ has served faithfully for centuries, bringing hope and good tidings to millions, the time has come to clarify that the New Testament is no newer than it was in the meridian of time,” the proclamation states. “If anything, it’s older than that. This adjustment reflects the Church’s unwavering commitment to the timelessness of God’s word and, coincidentally, leaves ample room for the Church’s own publications to take up the mantle of ‘new’ without competition.”

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Experts predict The Book of Mormon to be upgraded from “Another” Testament status to something more marketable.

The 14-page document carefully lays out the spiritual and doctrinal rationale for the change, though several paragraphs subtly reiterate that the New Testament’s demotion has **no bearing on its value, relevance, or divine authority—**a phrasing that has left many members wondering if it absolutely does.

Buried within the fine print of the final appendix, the proclamation also declares that all scriptural references to God’s love should now be understood to apply exclusively to those living in strict accordance with gender norms as defined by a committee convened sometime in the early 1990s.

“This proclamation reaffirms the sacred truth that God’s love is universal,” said Elder David A. Bednar, pausing for a meaningful glance, “…for those who have made the correct choices.”

The Church has already released an accompanying Family Home Evening lesson packet and glossy pamphlet titled What It Means to Be Loved: A Conditional Guide to Unconditional Love, with coloring pages featuring Jesus smiling upon a nuclear family with matching hairstyles.

As members scrambled to update their personal scriptures, the Church reassured the faithful that the proclamation was the result of much fasting, prayer, and absolutely no public relations or branding considerations whatsoever.

“There is great safety in proclamations,” said Sister Sharon Eubank of the Relief Society General Presidency, holding back visible relief that women were briefly mentioned in this one. “They’re sort of like scripture, but more… customizable.”

While some members have expressed confusion at the need for yet another proclamation about name brands, Church leaders have encouraged patience, promising that more clarifying proclamations will be issued as needed. Rumors already suggest the forthcoming Proclamation on the First Vision: A Conclusive Statement on Which Version Is the True One This Time, for Sure.

In closing remarks, President Nelson offered reassurance that the Church remains committed to the restored gospel’s eternal truths—at least until such time as they require additional clarification. “Revelation is ongoing,” he said. “Especially when it makes the Church’s position more palatable to certain demographics while still allowing us to say nothing really changed.”