SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In what historians are calling “deeply disturbing but not entirely surprising,” a newly discovered diary has revealed that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ long-standing tradition of baptizing children at age 8 was not a spiritual milestone, but rather just a reflection of the prophet’s personal dating preferences.
“This changes everything—and also explains everything,” said Dr. Laura McBride, a religious historian and winner of the “Most Exhausted Scholar of the Year” award for her work on 19th-century patriarchal cults. “We always wondered why 8 was the magic number. Turns out it wasn’t just ‘the age of accountability’ but also Joseph Smith’s opinion (or hope?) of the future ‘age of consent.’ It was just the age that Joseph Smith knew ‘with almost 100% certainty that he’d be OK waiting a few more years if necessary,’ a phrase that we are still unpacking.”
The 200-page journal, unearthed in the false-bottom drawer of a pioneer-era hope chest alongside three unpaid child support notices, details Smith’s spiritual revelations and increasingly specific bridal wishlists. Church leaders were quick to respond, holding a press conference in which they simultaneously denied the diary’s authenticity and bore testimony of its deep spiritual truth using double-speak that would make George Orwell shiver.
“We don’t condone child brides… anymore,” clarified Elder Todd E. Clusterflub, head of the Church’s Committee for Explaining the 1800s. “But we do maintain that at eight years old, a child is absolutely capable of choosing a lifelong religious path. Unlike, say, choosing which vegetables to eat or which pants to wear.”
In other “Lost Diary” News:
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“Let me make one thing perfectly crystal clear,” lectured Elder Clusterflub with his most authoritative General Conference voice, “we believe that Smith’s youngest love interest, Fanny Alger, was 14 years old, which is eons older than 8. And as long as we don’t keep digging into these ‘newly discovered diaries’ we intend to keep the youngest known love interest at 14 years.”
Eight Years Old: Can’t Consent But Can Repent?
Critics argue that expecting an 8-year-old to commit to a religion for eternity makes about as much sense as handing them a credit card and saying, “Hope you pick the right APR, buddy.”
“Imagine if other decisions worked like LDS baptism,” said local parent Rachel Torres. “Like, ‘Honey, do you want apple juice or eternal obedience to 12 old men in Salt Lake? Just think really hard and follow the burning feeling in your chest—unless it’s just the juice giving you heartburn.’”
Church PR officials later clarified that modern baptism is “totally different” from 19th-century spiritual grooming, citing the Church’s commitment to letting children make their own decisions (under pressure of adults that the child desperately wants to please, and immediately after an hour-long lesson about sin and hellfire).
In related news that broke in March, Church leadership announced a new requirement to check sex abuse records of members before calling them to work with youth. No specific instructions are given for when a predator is identified, but the brethren are “sure you’ll make the right choice.”
When asked whether Joseph Smith could hold a calling with the church youth today given his history as a child sexual predator, LDSnews.org staff were referred to the church AI bot Moron.ai to help clarify. Moron.ai responded cheerfully: “This does not sound like information that is central to your salvation.”
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