PROVO, UT — BYU’s annual Women’s Conference, keynoted by a man, Elder Quentin L. Cook of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, unveiled a daring new attempt at even higher pedestals upon which to place LDS women—by generically exclaiming “LDS Women Are Incredible!”
Apparently, even the LDS Church itself is shocked to hear Elder Cook say that LDS Women are Incredible, as it made headlines in their newsroom.
Titled “LDS Women Are Incredible!”, Elder Cook’s talk has already been hailed as a bold reaffirmation of the Church’s commitment to vaguely complimenting women in ways that sound like praise, contain zero respect, and illustrate ways women can be better servants.
Attendees were reportedly moved to tears as Cook praised LDS women’s “Goodness, all around outstandingness and top-notch marvelousness.” He also went into great detail by saying the word ‘very’ multiple times as a modifier of the word ‘terrific’ as he referred to LDS women in general.
“I just feel so seen,” said Sister Marsha Whitcomb of Sandy, Utah. “Like, not actually seen in leadership meetings or ward council, or with my kids because of my many responsibilities, but… you know, metaphorically appreciated.”
“LDS women are the spiritual backbone of the Church,” Elder Cook declared to thunderous applause from the sea of modest floral blouses. “Which is why we can’t bother you to be a part of any decisions, oh and definitely stay far away from our finances. We want you firm, strong, holding everything up quietly, reverently, and without any sudden opinions.”
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The Church PR Department immediately mobilized into action, issuing several press releases under exciting headlines like “Elder Cook Says LDS Women Are Incredible!” and “Apostle Acknowledges Women Exist, Receives Standing Ovation.”
“We were as shocked as anyone,” said Church PR assistant Chad Jensen. “An actual Apostle used the word ‘women’ in public. That’s historic. We haven’t been this excited since a female speaker prayed at General Conference in 2013.”
Throughout the talk, Elder Cook told a series of carefully vague anecdotes about women he may or may not have met.
“Our women are not incredible because they have managed to avoid the difficulties of life — quite the opposite. They are incredible because of the way they face the trials we’re putting on them,” Elder Cook said, his voice quivering with emotion just like he rehearsed. He continued, “There was a woman in Idaho—possibly named Sister Thompson—who once brought a casserole to a grieving family and made it back to the cannery in time for an all-nighter,” Cook said, voice trembling with spiritual admiration. “She is a silent warrior of the faith.” Everyone in attendance assumed she exists.
In an exclusive post-talk press conference, Elder Cook clarified that women can be both “powerful and precious.” Observers noted zero mention of Heavenly Mother at “Women’s Week,” allowing the church’s “Days Without Incident” scoreboard to add one more day.
As we were preparing this story for print, Church architects have announced a new line of elevated “Woman Pedestals” to be installed in Relief Society rooms across the Wasatch Front.
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