Midvale, UT— In a monologue that yielded little sympathy, 43-year-old Brent Thompson, affectionately dubbed “Old Geezer” by local youth, mildly captivated the young members of the Midvale 3rd Ward with harrowing tales from an era when Sunday services stretched a full three hours. The change to a two-hour block occurred a mere six years ago, but to the tweeners in attendance, Thompson’s stories seemed to echo from a distant unjust past.
“Back in my day, we had stamina,” Thompson proclaimed, leaning heavily on his cane—a recent acquisition due to a minor pickle ball incident. “We endured over 60 minutes of Sacrament meeting, followed by nearly an hour of Sunday School, and then, if you can believe it, another hour of Priesthood or Relief Society. And we liked it!”
The youth, most of whom were in elementary school or diapers during the schedule change, listened in wide-eyed boredom, clutching their smartphones as if to ward off the specter of extended worship.
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“Three hours? Straight?” whispered 12-year-old Madison, her face mimicking interest, her thumbs instinctively texting under the chair.
Thompson went on to describe the “joys” of wooden pews, the absence of air conditioning, and the thrill of overhead projectors. “You kids today with your cushioned chairs and effective climate control,” he scoffed. “You don’t know how good you have it.” Other adults around him appeared confused, having experienced effective climate control in American ward buildings their whole lives.
In an unrelated effort to retain membership, church leadership recently announced a new line of women’s garments compatible with tank tops. “We’re adapting to the times,” said spokeswoman Linda Richards. “We want our members to feel comfortable both spiritually and sartorially.”
When asked about these changes, Thompson grumbled, “In my day, modesty meant layers—lots of them. But I suppose if it keeps the young folks off exmo reddit, it’s worth a try.”
As Thompson concluded his unofficial sermon of yesteryears, he invited the youth to join him in singing a hymn from the old blue hymnal, only to be met with blank stares. “Never mind,” he sighed. “I’ll just text you all a link.”
Thompson now uses a TikTok account to share his “legendary” experiences, under the handle @3HourChurchSurvivor.
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