In a move that has left members of the LDS Church clutching their Pearls of Great Price and historians nodding knowingly, leading online book retailer, Amazin’ River of Books, has reclassified all Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) history books under the “True Crime” genre.
“We noticed that readers seeking tales of intrigue, deception, and, well, crime, were increasingly drawn to LDS history,” said Amazin’ River of Books spokesperson, Paige Turner. “After a thorough review, we decided to make it official.”
A History Rich in… Riches?
As sales picked up after the re-categorization, the LDS Church attempted to capitalize on the trend by renaming their church manuals. One of the bestsellers in this newly minted category is “Tithing: Open Your Wallets And Shut Your Traps.” This page-turner delves into allegations that church leaders solicited tithes for charitable purposes but diverted much of that cash to the church’s various business ventures such as the for-profit insurance conglomerate Beneficial Financial Group, the $150 Billion investment fund called Ensign Peak Advisors, and the largest real estate portfolio in the United States, period.
“It’s like ‘The Wolf of Wall Street,’ but in lamb-of-god clothing,” commented one reviewer.
Polygamy or Organized Matrimony?
Another hot release from the hole of many blessings is “Sister Wives: Heavenly Consent or Malintent?” which explores the church’s historical practice of forcing polygamy on underage girls. Readers are particularly gripped by the account of Joseph Smith stealing King David’s idea of sending men off to the front lines (of missionary work) in order to steal their wives while they are gone. “The man was a genious,” remarked Brother Gilroy, referring to David, not Joseph Smith. “I mean look at all the Old Testament real estate this guy is in.”
“Who knew that ‘Big Love’ had such little consent?” quipped a reader in a 2-star review.
Mountain Meadows Massacre: A Divine Tragedy
No true crime section would be complete without “Massacre: When Saints Go Marching… Over Settlers.” This harrowing narrative recounts the 1857 tragedy known as the Mountain Meadows Massacre where a Mormon militia murdered over 120 unarmed men, women and child settlers.
“It’s a chilling reminder that sometimes, the most dangerous thing on the frontier isn’t the wilderness, but your super-religious neighbors,” noted a history buff.
Cultural Genocide: The Sinister-Ministers’ Forced Assimilation
Adding to the collection is “The Lamanite Placement Program: How Genocide Can Be Polite” This book examines the church’s program that removed Native American children from their families, placing them in Mormon homes to assimilate them into white Mormon culture—a practice critics have labeled as cultural genocide.
“It’s a dark chapter where the Church tried to turn the natives white,” observed an anthropologist.
Pope Leaves Hospital, Taunts Apostles Who Can’t Wait to do Papal Temple Work When Time Comes
Faithful Reactions
The reclassification has elicited mixed reactions from the LDS community. Sister Rose Colerdglaces stated, “It’s outrageous to label our sacred history as ‘True Crime.’ These events are divine mysteries, not deviant misdemeanors.”
Conversely, Sister Sue D. Nym, who usually prefers anonymity, nodded thoughtfully, “Well, when you put it all together like that, it’s harder yet ever more important to plead the fifth.”
As Amazin’ River of Books continues to blur the lines between scripture and scandal with their new categorization of LDS history books, readers are left to ponder: when does divine inspiration cross into criminal investigation? One thing’s for certain—the LDS history section has never been this thrilling.
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