SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a brief but confident statement issued during this week’s General Conference, leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reassured members worldwide that 99-year-old President Russell M. Nelson is “absolutely lucid” and “still receiving direct revelation from God,” despite reportedly misplacing his house keys sometime during the final days of the Bush administration.
“President Nelson may not be able to remember where he lives, but he definitely remembers the exact thoughts and intentions of the Almighty Creator of the Universe,” said church spokesman Elder Alan T. Firth, gently guiding the prophet back to his seat after he tried to bless a microphone stand. “Let there be no doubt — he’s sharp as a seer stone.”
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Sources close to the First Presidency say that President Nelson last saw his keys in 2008, possibly “next to the mini scriptures on his nightstand” or “maybe in his temple bag, the big one with the zipper that sticks.” Since then, a rotating team of apostles has been tasked with gently reminding him that he already dedicated the St. George temple in 1982 and does not, in fact, need to do it again just because he saw a picture of it on the church’s Instagram.
“People think that just because he occasionally forgets which century he’s in, he can’t lead 7 million people,” said Elder Quentin L. Cook. “But I ask you: would a man with dementia be able to roll out 89 new temple announcements per session, all while pronouncing many of the syllables of the cities where each one will be built?”
Church leaders were quick to downplay concerns after President Nelson recently attempted to excommunicate a ficus plant in the Conference Center lobby for “openly questioning priesthood authority.”
“It’s important to remember that the Lord works in mysterious ways,” said Elder Bednar. “And sometimes those ways involve a 99-year-old man repeatedly asking if Brigham Young is coming to the meeting.”
Members have largely taken the news in stride.
“If the Lord wanted a prophet who could form complete sentences, He would’ve called one,” said Sister Linda Vance, a faithful Relief Society member from Idaho Falls. “Anyway, I’m sure his keys will turn up. Probably in the Celestial Room.”
At press time, President Nelson had reportedly just received a “powerful impression” to ban piercings again and was urgently whispering it to a coat rack he mistook for Elder Holland.
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