SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Sources close to President Russell M. Nelson confirmed Tuesday that the 100-year-old leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was “utterly devastated” upon re-learning that he is, in fact, a lifelong Mormon.
“Wait, what? All this time?!” Nelson reportedly exclaimed after being gently informed by aides during a lucid moment. “You mean to tell me I’ve spent the last century sober, caffeine-deprived, and wearing a special kind of underwear… voluntarily?”
Witnesses say the church leader sat in stunned silence for several minutes, slowly thumbing through a church manual and mumbling, “Why would anyone name a planet Kolob?” before sighing deeply and whispering, “This explains the musical numbers.”
Medical staff say the incident was triggered by a brief memory lapse in which President Nelson, upon waking from a nap, asked where he could find a nice cold Coca-Cola and a copy of Scientific American. When he was instead handed The Ensign and a Crumbl Cookie, he reportedly screamed, “Where the hell am I?!”
“Frankly, we’ve had to break it to him a few times now,” said one church official. “Each time he forgets, it’s like The Book of Mormon musical all over again.”
CES Updates Bible Story to Promote Cryptocurrency Investing: “Anachronism Was Never a Problem Before”
The event has sparked concern within the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, many of whom now fear they too may someday forget that they’ve dedicated their entire lives to politely insisting that 19th-century frontier theology is the one true gospel. “I wake up in cold sweats thinking I might discover I’m just a really enthusiastic accountant,” said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.
In a moment of apparent clarity later in the day, Nelson reportedly said, “Well, I suppose if I’ve made it this far as a Mormon, I may as well finish the campaign. Just remind me — do we still think Jesus visited Missouri or did we edit that out?”
Nelson’s aids continue to correct him, saying ‘Mormon’ is no longer an acceptable word to describe what he is.
Get our sacred insights hot off the press.
We'll never sell your information or ask for 10% of your income. Privacy Policy
