SALT LAKE CITY — In a divine communiqué during his morning devotional, President Russell M. Nelson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints revealed that the Almighty has officially set the number of shell companies required to administer God’s kingdom on Earth at 198 — a holy figure divinely ordained to maximize both celestial glory and tax efficiency.
“The Lord works in mysterious and diversified ways, through His prophets and a series of wholly-owned for-profit subsidiaries,” President Nelson proclaimed to a congregation of top-tier corporate attorneys and mid-level finance angels. “The Restoration is ongoing — as are our offshore asset management strategies.”
The revelation, which President Nelson described as coming after “much fasting, prayer, and consultation with Deloitte,” confirms that God’s kingdom operates best with a diversified portfolio of residential properties, agricultural investments, and discreet equity holdings spread across multiple continents.
“For too long, we’ve neglected the holy work of asset securitization,” said Elder David A. Bednar, Chair of the Committee on Divine Holdings, LLC. “The adversary would have us believe that a single non-profit corporation is sufficient to build Zion. But verily, I say unto you, the City of God must be capitalized at rates competitive with BlackRock.”
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According to documents filed with the Utah Secretary of State, the Lord’s new financial strategy involves a complex web of LLCs, trusts, and property management firms operating under the umbrella of Ensign Peak Advisors, which experts believe to be the first hedge fund with its own primary children’s hymnbook. The restructuring will allow the church to better manage its $100 billion rainy day fund for the anticipated Second Coming — a liquidity event described in scripture as coming “at a time no man knoweth, except for those with access to the quarterly earnings report.”
When asked why God’s kingdom required such a labyrinthine network of financial entities, Church spokesperson Dale Bills explained that “Earthly governments demand compliance with the laws of men — including the IRS. The Lord has simply chosen the path of the Delaware LLC as the most righteous means of rendering unto Caesar.”
Faithful members reacted with reverence and gratitude to the announcement. “It’s so comforting to know that my tithing dollars are being carefully shepherded into diversified international investments,” said Sister Karen Holbrook of Provo. “The Lord truly moves in arbitraged ways.”
Church leaders were quick to emphasize that the shell companies exist purely to prepare the world for the Second Coming — and definitely not to avoid taxes or amass massive wealth.
“The scriptures tell us to be wise stewards,” President Nelson clarified. “And nothing says wise stewardship like holding commercial real estate in the Cayman Islands.”
While some critics have questioned why a church would need to own more farmland than Bill Gates, Elder Bednar was resolute. “When the Savior returns, he will need somewhere to store the grain. And a diversified portfolio of blue-chip stocks to fund His millennial reign.”
At press time, the Church announced a new line of temple recommend interviews to ensure members are worthy of celestial blessings — and fully vested eternal retirement accounts of “divine perpetuity”.
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