ATTICA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY — In what local missionaries are describing as “an incredibly unique testimony,” recent LDS convert and six-time convicted felon Marcus “Sticky Fingers” Doyle says he’s never felt more spiritually seen than when reading about Nephi decapitating and subsequently robbing Laban, a prominent community figure, in their sleep.
“I was like, yo, this prophet guy gets it,” said Doyle, fresh from his baptism and also a failed parole hearing. “One minute, Nephi’s praying for guidance, next thing he’s straight-up GTA-ing a guy in a dark alley and jacking his designer robes. That’s what I call divine inspiration.”
The passage in question, found early in the Book of Mormon, describes Nephi being “constrained by the Spirit” to kill Laban, a wealthy, powerful, unsuspecting drunk man, in order to obtain sacred brass plates—although Doyle insists the spiritual metaphor is just “the parable of the classic B&E.”
“I mean, the angel was basically his Capo,” Doyle explained, referring to the divine instruction Nephi receives moments before the infamous decapitation. “God was like, ‘Yo Nephi, sometimes you gotta do hoodrat things for the kingdom.’ I’ve heard worse justifications in court.”
The Elders were impressed with Doyle’s comprehension of the situation when Doyle said, “Yo, remember that Abraham Book that Joe Smith didn’t actually translate? Well he ain’t gonna need brass plates either. I see how you do.”
New Testament No Longer “New”
Missionaries who taught Doyle claim they were initially confused when he kept referring to Nephi as “my man Neef-Neef” and comparing the brass plates to a safe deposit box full of NFTs.
“He kept saying things like, ‘So wait, y’all are cool with this?’” said Elder Thompson, still visibly shaken. “I tried to explain the spiritual context, but he just nodded and said, ‘Nah, I get it. Some people need a mission. Some need a mission… and a machete.’”
Doyle now says the story of Nephi has inspired him to share the gospel with others from “the life,” claiming that “if a prophet can catch a body and get canonized, then maybe there’s hope for me, too.”
