SALT LAKE CITY, UT — After over a century of denying its existence, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints quietly released a handwritten 1886 revelation by former prophet John Taylor, confirming once and for all that not only did God command the eternal continuation of plural marriage—but also that John Taylor apparently transcribed it while drunk, sleep-deprived, or writing blindfolded during an earthquake.
The document, which the Church has historically referred to as “totally not real” or “some guy’s rogue creative writing project,” was quietly uploaded to their website this week without a press release—buried between a temple groundbreaking in Delaware and a youth devotional entitled “Be Ye Therefore Scared of TikTok.”
Pale, underpaid Church archivists admitted the document’s condition was “less than divine.”
“It’s like a spiritual Mad Libs,” said assistant historian Chet Hunsaker, holding up the crumpled parchment with visible eraser marks, upside-down words, and several biblical-sounding insertions added via crude little carrot symbols. “God may be unchanging, but apparently His punctuation is pretty avant garde.”
Observers were quick to point out that the revelation appears to insist that plural marriage is an “everlasting covenant,” a detail the Church has tried to downplay since the federal government began threatening to seize Utah and replace Brigham Young University with a second Colorado State University.
What has particularly scandalized modern Saints is the level of amateur-hour scrawl on display. Experts compared it to the work of an overtired missionary trying to finish their letter to their girlfriend before they hit the streets, and who hasn’t written him back for months anyway.
“This isn’t scripture,” said local LDS member Becky Callister of Layton, squinting at the jagged handwriting. “This is the inside of a high schooler’s math binder.”
Church leaders quickly distanced themselves from the revelation, reminding members that “just because it says ‘Thus saith the Lord’ doesn’t mean it’s, like, currently what the Lord saith.” They also clarified that anyone practicing polygamy today will still be promptly excommunicated—even if they’re holding up the literal paper their great-great-granddaddy prophet wrote saying God said not to stop.
That’s exactly what happened to John W. Taylor, son of the prophet and unfortunate holder of this now-published “eternal” revelation. When he was caught solemnizing plural marriages after the Church’s official 1890 ban, he triumphantly held up the document like a celestial Uno reverse card (I bet you thought I was going to go with Monopoly “get out of jail free” card). The Brethren responded by slapping down Excommunication, followed by “Draw Four Apostasy Charges.”
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Taylor’s expulsion eventually gave rise to various fundamentalist offshoots, including the FLDS Church—best known today for weaponized prairie dresses and exactly the kind of compound-riddled communities that make Netflix documentarians salivate.
Asked why the Church has suddenly published the revelation after 138 years of pretending it didn’t exist, a spokesperson explained, “We figured it was better to post it ourselves before Deseret News accidentally won a Pulitzer for covering it.”
When reached for comment, Church President Russell M. Nelson blinked blankly and said, “I’m unfamiliar with that situation. But I once met a woman on a plane who told me marriage was between one man and… a very long story,” at which point, his assistant wiped the drool from his mouth and wheeled him to nap time.
