The ruling echoes the decision by a Canadian Press in 1830 not to purchase the copyright of the Book of Mormon, citing: “no wey weer payin’ eight tousand loonies fur yer scribbler, eh.”
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a devastating blow to the intellectual property portfolio of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, church officials have confirmed that the U.S. Copyright Office has declined to grant copyright protection to the majority of the Book of Mormon, citing its “heavy reliance on the phrase ‘And it came to pass’ repeated literally hundreds of times, which cannot be copyrighted as it is a common Biblical cliché.”
The ruling leaves approximately 93% of the sacred text effectively in the public domain, with the remaining 7% consisting mostly of awkward King James English, confusing geography, and inexplicable battles involving exactly 2,000 stripling warriors.
“We had no idea that writing ‘And it came to pass’ after literally every sentence wouldn’t count as creative expression,” said Church spokesman Elder Boyd D. Marlin, visibly shaken and clutching a very worn-out copy of The Book of Abraham which likely would not pass copyright for different reasons. “Frankly, we thought that counted as voice. You know, style.”
The Church’s legal team had submitted over 1,000 pages of arguments defending the uniqueness of the phrase, including a side-by-side comparison to Lord of the Rings, which uses far fewer transitional phrases and considerably more elves.
“We even tried arguing that ‘And it came to pass’ was a form of ancient literary jazz—repetition with variation, like Coltrane, but on gold plates,” said Brother Jared (last name withheld as the next quote came to pass). “But apparently that doesn’t meet the ‘original creative content’ threshold.”
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According to Church records, the phrase appears 1,381 times in the Book of Mormon, or roughly once every three verses, a frequency linguists say “defies reason, common sense and even Joseph Smith’s supposed 3rd grade-level education.”
“We’re not saying it was written by someone hitting ‘copy-paste’ on a brass plate,” said Dr. Leona McGivens, a linguist from the University of Utah. “But if you removed every instance of ‘And it came to pass,’ the book would be about 7 pages long and mostly about 19th century era morality issues.”
As news of the failed copyright reached pharmaceutical company Cosette, maker of Ambien, the CEO recalled Mark Twain’s famous observation that the Book of Mormon is “Chloroform in Print,” and immediately began printing the public domain part of the religious text on the required patient labeling “Instructions for Use” pages that all Ambien customers receive at the pharmacy. Health experts are warning against combined side effects.
The Church has vowed to appeal the ruling, citing religious freedom, the spirit of restoration, and the fact that Twilight somehow is copyrighted despite containing entire chapters that could legally qualify as “emotional fog.”
Meanwhile, LDS publishers are already planning on taking a stab at copyright success by creating “fan remixes” of the Book of Mormon. Cringey substitutions for the cliche phrase in question include: “And It Came to Slap” and “No cap, they was wildin” which are both in danger of becoming a cliche in coming years.
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