Finances

Salt Lake Tribune Considers Simplifying LDS Property Map by Highlighting Few Plots of Land Church Doesn’t Own

By LDS News Staff

March 17, 2025

In response to the Tribune's map, the LDS Church released a statement: "We view our extensive land holdings as a modern interpretation of 'inheriting the Earth.'

Salt Lake City, UT — In a move that’s likely inspired by further cuts at journalistic outlets, the Salt Lake Tribune is considering creating a new map highlighting the few parcels of land in the United States not owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) to replace the current map of LDS properties. This innovative approach comes on the heels of revelations that the LDS Church has become one of the nation’s largest landowners, with holdings surpassing those of tech moguls and even foreign nations.

“We were spending so much time shading in properties acquired by the Church that it became easier to just mark the ones they haven’t bought yet,” said Tribune cartographer Jane Maples. “At this rate, it’s basically a map of public restrooms and that one diner in Nevada.”

Florida local Maria Da Silva, who lives next door to the massive Florida LDS compound says that if you think getting a knock on your door by the “white devils” isn’t jarring enough, imagine them riding towards you on horseback.

The LDS Church, known for its teachings on modesty and humility, has quietly amassed a real estate empire valued in the billions. Recent acquisitions include 46 farms across eight states, totaling 41,554 acres, further solidifying their agricultural dominance.

Critics have pointed out the irony of a religious institution, whose founder preached the virtues of simplicity, now holding more land than some small countries. “I guess when Jesus said to forsake worldly possessions, he meant everyone else,” quipped local exmormon who prefered to remain anonymous since he owes back-rent to the LDS Church.

In response to the Tribune’s map, the LDS Church released a statement: “We view our extensive land holdings as a modern interpretation of ‘inheriting the Earth.'”

As the Church’s portfolio continues to grow, rumors swirl about their next targets. Insiders speculate that Yellowstone National Park and the moon are high on the list. “We’re just following divine guidance,” said an anonymous Church official. “And if that leads us to owning beachfront property in Hawaii, so be it.”

Meanwhile, the Salt Lake Tribune plans to update their map weekly, citing the rapid pace of LDS acquisitions. “At this point, it’s less about tracking their purchases and more about playing a game of ‘Where’s Waldo’ with the remaining unowned plots,” Maples remarked.

As the line between spiritual and material wealth blurs, one thing remains clear: the LDS Church is well on its way to proving that those who pray together, stay together—preferably on a sprawling ranch in Florida.