PROVO, UT — In a spiritually innovative move that’s both bold and mildly unsettling, the Provo 9th YSA Ward has begun playing recordings of crying children during sacrament meeting. The Bishopric at first claimed the strategy was designed to simulate family ward nostalgia, but eventually admitted that it’s actually designed to remind members of what the Lord really wants from them: eternal matrimony and maximum fertility.
“We used to try subtlety,” said Bishop Mark Ellsworth, straightening his “South-East Provo’s Best Bishop” mug collection on his desk. “Object lessons, worthiness firesides disguised as ‘game nights,’ one very expensive speed-dating luau… but nothing motivated righteous commitment quite like the sound of a colicky infant screaming through a closing hymn.”
The audio, played softly but consistently throughout the sacrament service, includes a range of baby distress signals: classic baby and toddler cries, slow decrease in cry volume as parent carries child or toddler to foyer, sounds of Cheerios thrown against pews, and even the dreaded double-twin meltdown.
“The goal is to create a reverent, spiritually fertile atmosphere,” Ellsworth explained. “One that encourages these young men and women to stop kicking tires and start booking sealing rooms.”
Many ward members report feeling deeply moved — or at least mildly unsettled in a productive way towards reproduction.
“At first I thought someone had brought a baby to sacrament, which is basically illegal in a singles ward,” said Anna Leigh Jensen, 25. “But then I realized it was the bishop’s Bluetooth speaker. Honestly? It worked. I tried concentrating on singing the alto parts of the hymns but all I could hear was ‘start a family now or perish spiritually.’ So yeah. Powerful.”
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Others were more conflicted.
“I think the crying made me ovulate out of sheer obligation,” said Kaitlyn, 23, who asked to remain anonymous in case her mom happened to see this in the singles ward newsletter. “I felt the Spirit… and a very real, tangible pressure to start researching minivan prices.”
Bishop Ellsworth insists the program is backed by both revelation and recent data. “The Church Handbook doesn’t say you can’t weaponize baby noises to encourage righteous procreation,” he noted. “And since implementing the soundtrack, we’ve seen a 26% increase in post-church DTRs (Define The Relationship) and one very hasty engagement announced via group text during Elder’s Quorum.”
The bishopric is reportedly considering expanding the auditory experience to include:
- A mother whisper-yelling “WE DO NOT HIT DURING THE SACRAMENT.”
- The sound of Goldfish crackers being crunched underfoot.
- A Primary teacher slowly losing her testimony while whispering it into the ear of a child in real time.
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