PROVO — The long-forgotten Angel Mormon appeared in a pillar of light this Tuesday and casually confirmed that, yeah, “Mormon” is still a perfectly fine nickname for the church.
“Honestly, I always thought it had a nice ring to it,” said the radiant heavenly being, who reportedly descended near a Provo Panda Express before declaring his message to a nearby group of confused BYU students. “The Book of Mormon is literally named after me. Not sure what the big fuss is.”
Consistent with internal policy, church leaders ignored the young single adults since they had nothing personal or sex-related to talk about. Further confusion arose when the young adults were speaking rather than being spoken to.
This divine reappearance comes just years after The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints launched a full-scale PR campaign demanding people “use the full name,” arguing that any abbreviation was an affront to Jesus Christ Himself and likely an early sign of apostasy. The campaign, spearheaded by President Russell M. Nelson, led to the renaming of websites, apps, choirs, and even awkward friend group text threads.
“Do you know how long it takes to say ‘The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ out loud?” asked local member Tiffany McBride while trying to fit the name into a TikTok bio. “I had to remove my dog’s name just to make room. And now the Angel Mormon shows up like, ‘Oh yeah, no, totally fine to keep calling it that?’ I gave up two usernames for this.”
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Critics of the shift away from the term “Mormon” noted the irony, pointing out that church leaders previously embraced the nickname for decades—printing it on buttons, slapping it on billboards, and even producing a Broadway-seed-planting marketing campaign entitled I’m a Mormon, which is now viewed with the same retrospective discomfort as a middle school dance photo.
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-Mormon
Asked about the church’s about-face, the Angel Mormon shrugged his shimmering shoulders. “You know, I thought we were going for ‘cool prophet energy’ when Joseph named the book after me. Not this long-form legal firm thing,” he said. “By the time someone finishes saying the full name, they’ve already wandered off and you’ve missed your missionary moment.”
Church spokesperson Brother Sterling Whitcomb offered a carefully worded response: “We acknowledge the Angel Mormon’s comments, but we continue to stand by President Nelson’s divinely inspired guidance to always use the full name of the Church, even if it makes everyone sound like they’re reading from a subpoena.”
In response, Mormon murmured under his breath, “Which prophet would you say is more ‘living’… me or President Nelson?”
When asked if he planned to stick around and clarify any other theological ambiguities, the Angel Mormon said he had “a tee time with Moroni” and vanished in a puff of heavenly sass.
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