PROVO, UT — Former Operation Underground Railroad founder and recent tabloid fixture Tim Ballard shocked the Latter-day Saint community this week by announcing he is now undergoing hormone treatments to become what he calls “Beefsteak Complete” — refering to the rather large variety of tomato. Although at the time of his interview he was undergoing a treatment (which he calls getting juiced) which could impair brain function, he said that becoming a beefsteak tomato is “the highest and most exalted form of masculine ripeness.”
Ballard, whose increasingly spherical, ruddy appearance has drawn attention in recent months, addressed supporters from behind a lectern at a Deseret Book signing. His skin, now a vibrant shade of vine-ripened red, glistened under the fluorescent lights as he explained the deeply spiritual journey that led him to embrace his final form.
LDS Church Decries New Testament is No Longer “New”
“Brothers and sisters, I am simply following the promptings of the Spirit — and several unregulated supplements I bought from an Instagram ad — to become the fullest, juiciest version of myself,” Ballard declared, dabbing at his forehead with a crumpled American flag bandana. “I am Tomato Complete, and I invite all righteous men of God to join me on this path — if their wives allow them, of course.”
The announcement has sparked both controversy and praise within the LDS community. While some church members quietly expressed confusion over Ballard’s doctrine of Reddened Masculine Fulfillment, others see the transition as a courageous stand against the tyranny of the Deep State, Big Pharma, and inferior grocery store produce.
“This is what true manhood looks like in the Last Days,” said Jason Skousen, a father of seven from Eagle Mountain. “The Adversary wants us pale and shriveled — but Brother Ballard is showing us we can ripen to our full potential. He’s a beacon. A big, round, slightly veiny beacon.”
Ballard’s new lifestyle reportedly involves a strict regimen of high-heat tanning beds, intravenous beta-carotene injections, and daily anointings with Costco-sized tubs of coconut oil. Sources close to him say he begins each morning with a prayer circle where wives of righteous patriots rub him down while whispering the U.S. Constitution in Old Testament Hebrew.
Though the LDS Church has not officially commented on the transition, rumors are swirling that several members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles are quietly experimenting with their own Tomato Complete protocols — though early reports suggest Dallin H. Oaks is still stuck at “Cantaloupe Curious.”
Many are seeing Ballard’s move to tomatodom to be an attempt to appear less guilty in a number of court cases alleging sexual misconduct. “Afterall, when was the last time you ever heard of a Tomato being found guilty of human trafficking?” explained an amateur online detective Matt Kelty. Regardless of the reasoning, Although Ballard faithfully followed in the footsteps of other right-wing celebrities who rose to GOP fame through abusing minors, his fate is likely an end to his political and entrepreneurial ambitions, thus the desperate attempt to turn tomato. Instead of ending up with the fame and fortune of popular human trafficker Matt Gaetz, Ballard is likely to suffer the mundane and unemployable obscurity of your average low-life.
In a follow-up Instagram Live from what appeared to be a backyard kiddie pool filled with tomato sauce, Ballard reassured followers that the treatments were entirely voluntary and not part of any secret MLM scheme.
“Let me be perfectly clear — Tomato Complete is not a pyramid scheme,” Ballard said, his red, glistening head slowly bobbing in and out of the sauce. “It’s a vine. A sacred vine. And those who are chosen to ripen shall ripen together. For a small monthly donation of $999.99, you too can unlock the secret prayers of the Tomato Godhead.”
He looked at me dead in the eye and said that he’s doing it because he hasn’t been in the news enough lately, but remember, he was 90% beefsteak at the time.
As for what’s next, Ballard teased the launch of his new social media platform, Tomato Truth, where subscribers can follow his journey to achieve Celestial Lycopene Divinity. Premium members will receive exclusive content like juicing tutorials, bunker prep recipes, and behind-the-scenes footage of Ballard slowly rolling himself across Utah’s most sacred hilltops.
When asked whether he planned to fully transition to Tomato Exaltation, Ballard smiled cryptically. “I’m just waiting for the Lord to tell me when it’s time to be plucked.”
At press time, Ballard was reportedly in talks with Sean Reyes to form a new political action committee called Vine of Righteousness, which aims to secure the 2028 Republican nomination for President of the United States — or at least Most Handsomely Ripened Man in America.
Ballard, who is increasingly in court fighting a growing list of sexual assault cases, hopes his appearance as America’s favorite tomato variety sparks sympathy in the hearts of the jury.
Get our sacred insights hot off the press.
We'll never sell your information or ask for 10% of your income. Privacy Policy
