MAR-A-LAGO, DC — In a shocking new policy aimed at reducing America’s reliance on “foreign celestial intervention,” President Donald Trump announced today that he will be imposing a 25% tariff on all blessings imported from Kolob, the distant governing star of the universe, according to Latter-day Saint theology.
The move, which Trump described as “the most tremendous, best tariff on celestial goods ever”, is expected to have devastating effects on Latter-day Saints who rely on their tithing dollars to generate divine dividends. Under the new rules, members will see fewer opened windows of heaven per dollar paid, making it harder to receive traditional blessings like unexpected financial windfalls, job promotions, and inexplicably finding just enough gas to make it to the temple.
“Kolob has been taking us for a ride for way, way too long, it’s really a shame”
At a rally in Provo, Utah, Trump explained his reasoning to a cheering crowd of BYU students who had received a command to cheer.
“For too long, folks, these Kolobians, okay, they’ve been sending down blessings, but what do we get in return? Nothing! It’s very bad I tell you, very very BAD!” Trump shouted, his face turning from orange to the color of a ripe-Tim Ballard Beefsteak.
“They’re taking our prayers, they’re taking our praises, and what do they give us? A dirty chapel to clean! I mean, folks, it’s a terrible deal. Just awful.”
Trump’s team later clarified that the tariff will be applied at the heavenly supply chain level, meaning that for every $10 in tithing paid, only $7.50 worth of blessings will be processed.
This has sent shockwaves through Utah’s economy, as families accustomed to precise ratios of righteousness-to-reward must now reconsider their investment strategies.
Church Leaders Scramble to Adapt
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has responded to the new tariffs with a mix of concern and innovation.
In a press conference at Temple Square, Elder Bruce R. McCranky of the Quorum of the Seventy reassured members that while the tariffs would affect the “immediate liquidity of divine rewards,” faithful tithe-payers should “continue to invest in celestial stocks for the long-term eternal yield.”
“Remember, brethren and sisters,” Elder McCranky reminded, “Malachi 3:10 promises that if we pay our tithing, the Lord will open the windows of heaven. Now, with these tariffs, they may only crack open slightly, but a crack is still a crack,” he said to the chuckle of immature teenagers in the room.
The Church has already begun rolling out alternative blessing packages, including:
- Fast-Pass Temple Access – Get celestial blessings faster and with fewer administrative delays (subject to worthiness verification).
- Blessing Bundles – Pay for nine blessings and get the tenth free (does not apply to financial miracles or the “wish for more wishes” loophole).
- The “Faithful Rewards Program” – Earn Heavenly Points for every dollar tithed, which can be redeemed for a three-night stay in the Terrestrial Kingdom-Themed Suite at Little America Hotel in Salt Lake City.
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Latter-day Saints Caught in the Middle
Many Latter-day Saints are now struggling to decide how to budget their spiritual spending. Brent and Debbie Farnsworth of Draper, Utah, say the new tariffs have forced them to reconsider how they tithe.
“We used to pay a full 10% because it guaranteed solid blessings—safe family road trips, good crop yields, and a reasonable chance of owning the anti-mormon folks on Quora,” said Brent, shaking his head. “But now? Who knows? Do I still get divine protection from financial ruin, or do I just get a polite but firm ‘no’ from the bishop when I ask for help with rent?”
Their 16-year-old son, Tyler, is also feeling the impact.
“I was hoping to get a date to Homecoming this year, so I fasted and paid extra fast offerings,” Tyler said. “But now, with these tariffs, it looks like I’m only going to get, like, a courtesy text from one of the young women. It’s rough.”
Dems Promise to Remove Tariffs, But at What Cost?
Democrats vowed to repeal the Kolob Tariff, but this has sparked controversy among conservative Latter-day Saints, who worry that “free blessings” might incentivize laziness and make salvation too easy.
Fox News host Sean Hannity warned that “if the Dems remove the tariffs, we’ll have a socialist heaven where everyone gets the same mansion and glory level.”
Looking Ahead
As the tariffs take effect, many Latter-day Saints are left wondering if the economy of heaven is really built on faith or if, like everything else, it’s just another market susceptible to government interference.
“Look, I just want to know—do I need to increase my tithing to maintain my current blessing level, or should I invest in a hedge fund of good deeds?” asked Brent Farnsworth.
With no clear end in sight for the Kolob trade war, members are left with only one option: keep tithing, keep praying, and hope the Lord’s economic policies are better than Washington’s.
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