WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new employment report revealed today that thousands of recently unemployed immigration service workers — sidelined after the U.S. militarized every border crossing and began tear-gassing anyone with a brown toddler in a BabyBjörn — have found a new and strangely familiar calling: helping former members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints acclimate to life on Planet Earth.
One of the primary tasks of preparing the proper documents for Earth re-entry, is a notarized letter sent to the Church for records to be removed, a technical step required for official Earth citizenship to be complete. Although the process is as burdensome as leaving an MLM, it’s nothing like the laughable state of America’s immigration system.
“Honestly, it’s not that different,” said former immigration caseworker Maria Gonzalez, now rebranded as a “Re-Entry Specialist for the Earth Transition Program.” “I used to help people navigate complicated forms, pay confusing tithes, excuse me, taxes to governments, and try not to get deported. Now I help people figure out how to order coffee, have feelings, and use critical thinking for all kinds of routine tasks.”
Like their previous businesses which helped immigrants with filing their taxes and applying for green card status, a loose checklist of To-Do’s seem to be consistent across most providers. These items include:
- Basic Earth Vocabulary Lessons — such as “wine,” “boundaries,” and “science.”
- How to Laugh Without Saying ‘Oh My Heck’
- Intro to Skin: A Guide to Wearing Real Shorts Again
- Post-Tithing Budgeting: Where Your Money Goes When You Keep It
- Reclaiming Sundays: How to Sleep In Without Guilt-Induced Diarrhea
Former bishopric member-turned-Earth-resident Dave Sorensen, 37, was among the first clients of the new Earth re-entry economy. “I honestly didn’t realize people live on Sundays,” he said, clutching a smoothie he accidentally ordered with caffeine. “I thought Earth people were just wandering around in the fog of Lehi’s dream until the next General Conference.”
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Immigration officers say that compared to navigating the USCIS system, onboarding ex-Mormons is refreshingly straightforward.
“Most of them already have experience with absurd bureaucracy,” said Gonzalez. “They’ve been through years of secret interviews, loyalty oaths, and coded clothing. Honestly, helping them get a Spotify account is a breeze compared to getting someone a green card.”
Still, challenges remain. Re-Entry Specialists report frequent delays caused by former Mormons trying to explain Earth to their still-believing families.
“They try to say, ‘Mom, I just don’t believe Joseph Smith translated ancient gold plates using a hat and a rock,’ and their parents act like they just joined ISIS,” said caseworker Jamal Roberts. “We call it Cultural Whiplash.”
To aid in the transition, specialists have also developed Earth Orientation Field Trips. Recent outings include:
- Target and a Movie on a Sunday (nothing stronger than PG-13)
- A Not-Cringe Standup Comedy Show
- A Real Party Where Nobody Asks You 100 Questions About Yourself
- Lunch at a Thai Place That Doesn’t Have ‘Funeral Potatoes’ on the Menu
The LDS Church has denounced the program as “an unauthorized re-assignment of divine immigration,” stating that “no one can leave the covenant path without proper exit interviews and at least six months of ghosting from their Relief Society friends.”
But for former believers like Sorensen, the journey to Earth is worth it. “I finally feel grounded,” he said. “I saw a rainbow the other day and didn’t even think ‘No Homo.’ I just thought, ‘Wow… Earth really is nice.’”
