SALT LAKE CITY — In a bold move to compete with Texas in the “Whose Theocracy Is It Anyway?” Olympics, Utah lawmakers unveiled a proposal this week to require all public school classrooms to prominently display all 3,847 commandments of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, beginning in the 2025-2026 school year.
Inspired by Texas Governor Greg Abbott’s recent legislation mandating the display of the Ten Commandments in schools, Utah officials said they felt “called” to raise the stakes and take things to their “proper eternal glory.”
“We saw Texas post ten,” said Utah Governor Spencer Cox at a press conference held at a Deseret Book/Chick-fil-A combo store. “And we thought: Is that all? Our religion has so many commandments we had to invent an app to keep track of them. Why limit kids to ten when they can be confused and guilt-ridden by thousands?”
The proposed displays would cover two and a half average classroom walls and include commandments such as:
- Thou shalt not drink coffee, unless it’s iced and vague enough to claim it’s a milkshake.
- Thou shalt not show thy shoulders, unless thou livest in a country with hot climate (seest Appendix 12B)
- Thou shalt not spend money on Sunday, unless it’s to Venmo your tithing or because someone forgot the sacrament bread.
- Thou shalt attend every fireside, stake dance, ward temple trip, ministering appointment, and devotional, or lose loyalty points.
- Thou shalt not watch R-rated movies, unless you are a BYU film student and claim it’s for “research purposes.”
Classrooms will be fitted with rotating digital screens to scroll the commandments 24/7, with an estimated daily cycle of 1.3 times per day. “We thought about carving them into stone tablets,” said Utah State Superintendent Joel M. Jensen, “but then we realized even Moses would have quit halfway through. Plus, granite prices are through the roof right now.”
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Opponents of the bill raised concerns over the constitutional separation of church and state. In response, Utah legislators introduced a follow-up bill redefining “church” as “community moral advisory board” and “state” as “Zion.” The combination is also known as “Deseret.”
The LDS Church has remained publicly neutral, though church spokesperson Nephi T. Richards confirmed they are offering bulk classroom discounts on commandment-themed posters, starting at $19.99 per commandment set (child-safe frames sold separately).
Teachers across the state are reportedly overwhelmed. “We already don’t get paid enough to teach reading and math,” said Ms. Jennifer Lopez (not that one), a 4th grade teacher in Provo. “Now I’ve gotta help kids memorize temple interview questions and the entire Proclamation on the Family? I didn’t even pass my own Young Women’s Personal Progress.”
Meanwhile, students appear confused but hopeful. “I thought the Ten Commandments were just like, ‘Don’t kill’ and ‘Be nice to your mom,’” said seventh-grader Josh Brighton. “But apparently now I have to avoid caffeine, but only when it’s hot, and learn how to do proxy baptisms for dead Civil War veterans.”
If passed, Utah’s education system will become the first in the nation where students will be graded on modesty levels, and proper sacrament-passing technique.
Governor Cox concluded the press conference by raising a glass of Martinelli’s and declaring, “Texas only has 10 commandments? What are these guys, atheists?”
