Utah Ward Quietly Competes for Most Visible Parking Spot at Church Every Sunday

“He who Arriveth last shall park farthest away.”

AMERICAN FORK, UT — In a stunning revelation that surprises absolutely no one, members of the Cedar Hills 7th Ward have confirmed the existence of an unspoken but fiercely competitive weekly contest: securing the most pious, blessed, and visible parking spots directly in front of the chapel each Sunday.

Despite no official announcement from the bishopric, insiders report the parking lot hierarchy has been “as doctrinally entrenched as modesty talks at youth firesides” for years.

“Brother Jensen’s Escalade has been parked in the same front-row spot for three years,” whispered Sister McAllister, clutching her quad scriptures with visible envy. “He says he ‘just gets here early,’ but we all know it’s there overnight from Saturday.

The contest has become so cutthroat that some members now arrive as early as 5:00 a.m., disguised as early-morning joggers, only to “coincidentally” be in their Sunday best by 8:30. Others have begun strategically blocking off adjacent spots with foldable chairs, children, or the actual whispers of the Holy Ghost, depending on availability.

“We like to pretend it’s not a thing,” said Elder’s Quorum President Brandon Wirthlin, “but let’s be honest—If I’m going to magnify my calling, I’d like to do it with minimal walking distance.”

When asked if this behavior conflicts with Christ’s admonition against being like the Pharisees, who prayed loudly in public for attention, ward members appeared unfazed.

“Oh no,” said Sister Hammond, adjusting her custom-embroidered temple bag in her Tesla’s frunk. “We’re not being showy. We just believe in being good stewards of the best parking spots.”

The competition has reportedly led to some friction in the ward, particularly among less active members who are now relegated to the far reaches of the overflow gravel lot—also known as “outer darkness.”

Bishop Carlson has attempted to address the issue during sacrament meeting by gently reminding members that “the real treasures are in heaven’s parking lot.” The message was met with a reverent silence, followed by Brother Jensen discreetly checking his dashcam footage to ensure no one dinged his door.