SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a startling move with eternal implications, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today that the beloved children’s hymn “I Am a Child of God” will be placed on indefinite hiatus pending legislative clarification on birthright citizenship.
“We just can’t be sure who qualifies anymore,” said Brother Kent Wilcox, head of the Church Correlation Committee and part-time immigration attorney. “Until Washington decides who gets to be born into blessings, we’re advising Primary choristers to refrain from singing the song in any language—especially Spanish.”
The decision comes amid renewed national debates over the 14th Amendment, prompting confusion over whether divine lineage is automatically granted at birth or now subject to a complex visa application process.
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Under the Church’s new provisional policy, children must now undergo a brief celestial eligibility screening prior to participation in Primary songs. Requirements include:
- Proof of spiritual pre-mortal residence,
- Evidence of righteous intent,
- A clean record,
- And a six-generation family pedigree chart reviewed by ICE (Immigration & Celestial Enforcement).
“We’re not saying kids aren’t children of God,” clarified Sister Marlene Phelps, General Primary Board Chair. “We’re just saying it’s not our place to say until the Supreme Court does.”
To avoid doctrinal and legal confusion, the Church has released a temporary replacement hymn entitled “I Am a Conditional Dependent of a Supreme Entity, Subject to Eternal Vetting”. Sample lyrics include:
I’m-a-provisional child of God,
And he’s detained me here.
I might get the birthright nod,
And see my folks someday.
Ward Primary leaders across the U.S. are reporting difficulties explaining the change to young children. “My Sunbeams class started crying when I told them their spiritual status might be pending,” said Sister Jensen of the East Anaheim 4th Ward. “One of them tried to apply for asylum in the Young Men’s quorum.”
In the meantime, Church officials recommend all children self-identify as “probationary beings with limited refreshment privileges.”
