THE DESERET DEEP STATE — In a move hailed as both “revolutionary” and “de-evolutionary,” self-identified DezNats—Deseret Nationalists devoted to resurrecting Brigham Young’s 19th-century Mormon theocracy—have launched their sociopolitical and genetic consolidation effort designed to return the prophesied State of Deseret to its “foreordained, one-daddy glory.”
“Our enemies said we couldn’t build a righteous ethno-theocracy,” proclaimed Brother Jaxon Nephi Porter IV from the pulpit of a heavily fortified chapel at an undisclosed location in southern Utah. “But with enough wives and quad scriptures, we can isolate and out-birth any civilization for generations. That’s if we go easy on the scriptures.” When asked whether he was worried about their collapsing gene pool, he proudly replied, “we will become one heart, one mind, and—eventually—one interlocking family tree.”
The plan includes deporting all non-white, non-straight, and non-Kolobian individuals from what the group defines as “True Deseret”: modern-day Utah, southern Idaho, northern Arizona, select compounds in Nevada, and an In-N-Out just outside Barstow that is being disputed over with the local Proud Boys chapter. By “non-Kolobian,” they mean, the truck loads of extra men that they export to the nation’s incel supply.
Though critics point out that such a theocratic ethnostate would be an unhinged and unconstitutional dystopia, DezNat leaders argue it’s actually “just how Zion was always meant to be—white and delightsome. And genetically cornered.”
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A cornerstone of their strategy is the official reinstatement of polygamy, not by revelation, but by group chat consensus. “The Prophet Brigham taught that the more wives a man had, the more exalted he was,” explained Sister-Wife Communications Director HannahKayleigh Smith Jensen-Smith. “We’re just following that sacred precedent—except now with spreadsheets and fertility-tracking apps.”
Already, family lineage charts in DezNat strongholds are starting to resemble spaghetti left in the rain. One DNA test from a Deseret compound in Hurricane (pronounced “Hurakin Thereakin Everywhereakinkin”), Utah revealed that 86% of residents are second cousins of the same man: Brother-Patriarch Chet Alma LaVerl Christensen, who reportedly has 47 living children, all taught in their family homeschool by two-time teacher-of-the-year winner Velma the Goat.
Public health officials have raised concerns about rising rates of congenital complications, but DezNat leaders dismissed these as “Gentile science” and “anti-faith propaganda.” “Our children are not disabled,” said one local Relief Society president. “We’ve received confirmation that they are valiant warriors who fought Satan himself during the War in Heaven.”
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has not officially endorsed DezNat but has also not publicly condemned them—preferring instead to issue a vague statement about “loving all of God’s children while maintaining doctrinal purity and obedience to all of God’s border control laws.”
Geneticists estimate the DezNat gene pool will officially become a gene puddle by 2042. Plans are already in place to rename that year’s FamilySearch genealogy conference from RootsTech to RootTech.
