Salt Lake City, UT — In a rare political statement, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints held a press conference Tuesday morning to denounce the recent surge in immigration enforcement raids across the United States—not for humanitarian reasons, but because the mass detentions are “absolutely devastating” to baptismal conversion metrics.
“With over 60,000 potential investigators rounded up in a single month, our field has gone from white and ready to harvest to barbed and heavily surveilled,” said Elder Brentley T. Ashcroft, Executive Area Authority for Statistical Baptismal Growth. “We’re losing golden contacts faster than you can say ‘referral from English class.’”
The LDS Church recently celebrated a record-breaking spike in worldwide baptisms, a feat largely credited to what officials are calling “Catching the economically fragile at their most vulnerable moment.” Internal sources, however, admit the real success came from “finding the absolute rock bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy and handing it a copy of the Book of Mormon.”
Now, with vulnerable immigrant populations being detained en masse, missionaries are struggling to make their daily KPIs.
“We had an entire district in El Paso lined up for baptism,” lamented Elder Jacobson, a missionary serving in the Texas McAllen Mission. “And then boom—ICE shows up, and our chapel font is just sitting there with the plug in and no one to dunk. We’ve already cancelled the potluck.”
Church leaders have petitioned federal agencies to allow missionary visits inside detention centers, offering to host “Baptismal Blitz” weekends modeled after the Temple Square tours—complete with free copies of the Book of Mormon, mini loaves of banana bread, and a very spirited rendition of “I Am a Child of God” in English, but with mock-latin accents inspired by old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.
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“We’re not saying we’re against immigration law,” clarified Elder Ashcroft. “We’re just saying it’s making it really hard to meet our Q3 baptismal goals. How are we supposed to convert humble souls when they’re being transported in shackles across state lines every 48 hours?”
When asked whether the Church might refocus efforts on wealthier, less vulnerable demographics, Ashcroft laughed audibly for several seconds before wiping tears from his eyes. “Oh goodness, no. Rich people ask too many questions.”
Meanwhile, Church headquarters has rolled out a new “Missionary Emergency Response Humanitarian Program” encouraging companionships to position themselves outside ICE processing centers with signs that read: “¿Te gustaría aprender más sobre Jesucristo… y posiblemente evitar el infierno?”
At press time, the Church was also reportedly exploring partnerships with private detention facilities in exchange for “a little wet room and a make-shift tub with a drain.”
