BOISE, ID — Local far-right militia group The Sons of Liberty announced this week a bold new recruitment strategy, extending an olive branch to members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in an effort to address the group’s long-standing deficiency of refreshments at social gatherings.
“Listen, it’s not that we’re not proud of what we’ve built here,” said militia leader and part-time tactical cargo pants model Wayne Butcher. “But when you’re out in the woods LARPing in preparation of the great race war all day, a man needs a little something sweet between drills. And frankly, Karen’s store-bought Costco cookies just aren’t cutting it.”
Butcher claims the decision to actively recruit Latter-day Saints stems from past baptisms and ward potlucks, where militia members reportedly witnessed Mormon women produce entire dessert tables from nothing but pantry staples and the power of repressed creative energy.
Dallin H. Oaks Thinks BYU Study on Toxic Perfectionism “Needs Work”
“I’ve seen a Relief Society sister whip up four different types of brownies while teaching a toddler how to read and listening to a podcast about end-times prophecy,” said Butcher, visibly emotional. “That kind of productivity could really turn things around for us.”
The recruitment flyer, distributed discreetly through encrypted Telegram channels and the occasional emergency preparedness fair, promises new LDS members exemption from beer pong tournaments and full command over the Refreshment Committee — a previously nonexistent department that will now oversee post-drill Rice Krispies treat production and Jell-O salad allocation.
Militia leadership has also reportedly floated the idea of a weekly themed ‘Pioneer Heritage Bake-Off,’ hoping to capitalize on what one insider referred to as “that weird competitive streak they all have when it comes to funeral potatoes.”
LDS leadership, however, remains cautious. Local Stake President Harold Biggs issued a statement reminding members that while service is encouraged, joining an armed paramilitary group to bolster its hors d’oeuvres lineup is not considered an approved form of ministering.
Quilting swastikas, although distasteful, is well within our abilities
“We are flattered by the invitation,” said Biggs diplomatically, “but the Church encourages members to focus their efforts on spiritual preparedness rather than organizing cookie-based supply chains for fringe political movements.”
Despite the official warning, sources report at least three Relief Society sisters have already expressed interest in a part-time role, provided the militia agrees to swap out their monthly ammunition drills for a quilting circle every other Thursday. Some members assured militia members that quilting swastikas are distasteful but “well within our abilities.”
At press time, the militia was seen pricing out folding tables and organizing a sign-up sheet for an inaugural “Bring Your Own Casserole” militia training weekend — a move that Butcher described as “the first step toward building the kind of utopian separatist community our Founding Fathers would have wanted, but with better bundt cakes.”
