SALT LAKE CITY — A new independent study conducted by the fictitious but highly respected firm Plausible Insights & Pastry Sciences has found the #1 reason members are leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints isn’t doctrinal doubts, LGBTQ exclusion, or tithing audits — but rather the 2022 discontinuation of temple cafeteria dinner rolls.
“Once those buttery, pillowy rolls were gone, so was my testimony,” confessed former Relief Society president Linda McAllister, who now hosts a weekly support group titled Faith Crisis & Finger Foods. “Now I just taste bitter regret, and the church is tasting the grapes of wrath.”
The LDS Church quietly shuttered all temple cafeterias in 2022, citing “operational efficiency” and “a desire to focus on spiritual nourishment,” which members widely understood to mean “you’ll eat nothing and like it.”
But insiders say the damage was immediate.
“We saw a 17% drop in temple recommend renewals in the first quarter alone,” said Dr. Curtis Fudge, lead researcher. “By the time word got out that the roast beef carving stations were gone too, it was a full-blown apostasy buffet.”
The dinner rolls — long rumored to contain consecrated oil and trace amounts of the Melchizedek Priesthood — were a highlight for generations of temple-goers, often referred to as “Gluten-ondi-Ahman.”
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“They were soft, slightly sweet, and gave me more spiritual reassurance than my patriarchal blessing,” said brother Paul Lindstrom, who now attends a nondenominational brunch-based fellowship.
The Church has attempted damage control.
In a recent statement from the Presiding Bishopric, leaders acknowledged the “pastry pain” but offered spiritual alternatives, such as reading the Book of Mormon while hungry or fasting more sincerely.
Still, members aren’t biting.
In response to the findings, apostle-adjacent sources say Church leadership is “prayerfully considering” a pilot program for post-endowment donut holes in for celestial rooms in select North American temples, though critics warn this might lead to .
Until then, thousands of former Saints can be found on Facebook, sharing photos of the long-lost rolls with the CTR logo and the caption: “Choose The Roll”.
“I didn’t leave the Church because I was offended,” one poster wrote. “I left because they took away the last thing that made the pain of wearing garments worth it.”
Temple attendance has since plateaued, and one anonymous Area Seventy confessed that local leaders have been slipping Costco rolls into the sacrament bread, just to keep those that haven’t left yet.
“It’s not doctrine to have rolls at the temple,” he shrugged, “but neither is the Word of Wisdom, technically.”
At press time, Deseret Book was quietly testing a new candle scent: “Warm Temple Roll – Notes of Yeast, Guilt, and Tender Mercies.”
