SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a surprise announcement heralded as a bold step into the future of digital finance, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints briefly accepted Bitcoin as a form of tithing payment last week — only to abruptly reverse course just days later following what Church leaders referred to as an “unfortold bear run.”
The decision to embrace the volatile cryptocurrency came after what insiders describe as an intense 18-month period of prayer, fasting, and reading whatever Investopedia articles Elder David A. Bednar could find on Web3.
“The Lord moves in mysterious ways, and occasionally those ways involve decentralized peer-to-peer financial systems,” said Church spokesperson Brother Tanner Whitmore in a now-deleted press release. “We were guided by the Spirit to accept Bitcoin as legal tithing tender — at least while it was trading above $90,000.”
However, by the following Tuesday morning, the Church quietly halted the program as Bitcoin’s price plummeted to $81,000, citing what President Russell M. Nelson called a “testing period from the Lord — one we failed almost immediately.”
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According to reports, the First Presidency’s decision to accept cryptocurrency was the result of a highly publicized 2024 revelation that the Lord’s storehouse should become more diversified in its portfolio — a prophecy critics noted came roughly 12 years after Bitcoin’s initial bull run and nearly five years after every BYU sophomore with a Venmo account had already tried day trading.
“The Prophet has always taught us that God reveals His will line upon line, precept upon precept,” said lifelong member Dallin Hargrove, 34, while transferring his refund back into his Venmo balance. “It’s just that sometimes those lines lag behind the market by a full economic cycle.”
Church members who had rushed to pay tithes with Bitcoin are now being issued full refunds, though the Church clarified that refunds would be processed at Bitcoin’s current price rather than the price at the time of donation — a decision Church accountants insist is spiritually necessary, if not technically required by U.S. tax law.
“Faith is about sacrifice,” added Brother Whitmore. “Whether that sacrifice comes in the form of livestock, cash, or losing half your net worth to a crypto crash in the span of 48 hours — the Lord accepteth all with a cheerful heart.”
While some observers have questioned whether the original revelation was ever truly inspired, others believe the whole ordeal may have been a higher form of spiritual testing. Sources close to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles confirm that several top leaders had prophesied Bitcoin’s crash “with perfect clarity” — though only after it had already happened.
At press time, the Church announced that it would continue to explore alternative tithing options, including Dogecoin, prayerfully awaiting further revelation from the Almighty or, failing that, whatever comes up on Elder Bednar’s Google Alerts.
Related: Church considers changing the “Coin in the Fish’s Mouth” story to be about crypto investing since anachronism has never been a problem in the past.
