In a stunning display of spiritual scholarship and tactical alphabetical research, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) announced online that they have once again turned to their trusty Topical Guide to confirm that gays are, in fact, sinning. The revelation comes just in time for Pride Month, that annual global celebration of self-acceptance, equality, and apparently, “moral decline,” a confusing topic not covered in the Topical Guide.
“Yeah, we just flipped right to ‘P’ and there it was,” said Brother Todd Jensen of the South Santaquin 2nd Ward Elders Quorum, holding up his heavily annotated quad-combination scriptures. “Pride. Sin. Case closed. We even highlighted it in yellow so the Spirit knows we’ve actually read it and enjoyed it.”
The Topical Guide, a cross-referenced index of gospel-related terms revered by Mormons for its ability to provide definitive answers to complex human experiences via page numbers, has long been the go-to authority for avoiding nuance.
“People are out here talking about love, empathy, dignity, and equal rights,” said Relief Society President Karen Holt while knitting a bootie for a gender-reveal party. “But when you boil it down, it’s really about who’s in the Topical Guide and who isn’t. ‘Pride’ made the cut. ‘Queer joy’? Nowhere to be found.”
The Church has long walked a tightrope between preaching unconditional love and installing metaphorical electric fences around its doctrine. The result is a carefully curated form of compassion, often described by LGBTQ+ members as “love with a giant gaping asterisk.”
“It’s just like Jesus said,” added Jensen. “‘The meek shall inherit the Earth,’ not the parade permits on Earth, that would be ludicrous.”
Critics of the Church’s stance argue that reducing complex matters of identity and human dignity to a single indexed word is “a bit like diagnosing depression with a mood ring,” but Church members remain undeterred.
“The world says Pride means confidence and celebration,” said Holt, “but the scriptures say it means you’re basically one brunch away from Sodom and Gomorrah.”
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Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ Mormons and allies continue to navigate a cultural labyrinth of conditional acceptance, awkward potlucks, and monthly talks that begin with “I just want to bear my testimony” and end with unsolicited Leviticus references.
When asked whether the Church might one day update its stance in light of evolving understandings of sexuality, compassion, and science, a church spokesperson replied, “We’ll pray about it,” which historically has translated roughly to, “See you in 40 years.”
In the meantime, Mormons, as well as their Christian allies against acknowledging full personhood for LGBTQ people, will continue to take a few words in the scriptures more seriously than anything Jesus ever said or did.
